


Climbing the Ladder

by kawaiikanai



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Punk, Angst, Fluff, M/M, Minor Character Death, Sexual Abuse, Smoking, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-04-06
Packaged: 2018-03-21 14:23:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3695654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawaiikanai/pseuds/kawaiikanai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.</p>
<p>3rd place for Best Combination in 2014 Phanfic Awards</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Wait!” Dan slams his car door and runs to the man shutting the shop, “Don’t close yet!”

The man stops turning the key to look at Dan, eyes running up and down him once before giving him a glare. “It’s closing time. You should have stopped in sooner.”

Dan knows tattoo artists hated last minute jobs but he needs to get a tattoo right now. It’s been much too long since his last one. “I made an appointment earlier today but something came up and I wasn’t even able to call to reschedule.”

“Are you Dan Howell?”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“So, you were my no show today.” The man huffs, “Well, at least you gave me an extended lunch break.”

“I’m really sorry.” Dan rubs at his neck, genuinely sorry and embarrassed to be so late to his appointment. Above everything else he always makes his tattoo appointments; them being his addiction, all be it an expensive one. There’s just something so amazing and sensual about getting tattoos. The buzz of the needle and the pricking of skin. Thousands of dots of ink under your skin to make up beautiful works of art. Intended scars that tell stories just as much as scars from wounds. The pain you go through for each one shows just how much you love the thing you’re getting branded on your body for the world to see.

The man sighs, eyes gazing over Dan’s body again and Dan finds himself blushing, not sure if he’s looking at his exposed tattoos or maybe something else. The man is handsome, Dan will give him that; black hair falling over blue eyes that hint that he may not be as stubborn as he’s coming off to be. His ears are gaged with transparent blue discs the size of a one pound coin and a small silver bullring protrudes out of his nose. He spots a tattoo poking out from under his sleeve that makes Dan’s eyes widen. “Is that Sonic?”

The man looks to his arm, pulling up the sleeve to reveal the faded blue and red coloured Sonic tattoo, ready to run right off his arm. “It’s one of my favorite games.”

“Mine, too.” Dan smiles, dimples popping. He holds out his arm and points to a black Triforce tattoo his friend did. “I’m a major gamer.”

The man lets down his sleeve, biting his lip. He crosses his arms and properly turns towards Dan. “I can come in a little earlier than usual tomorrow if you like, but you better not be late.” Dan sees a glimmer when Phil talks and realizes his tongue is pierced as well.

“I won’t! I promise.” Dan smiles again and he sees the man’s mouth twitch at a smile, knowing his charm is working. He holds out his hand. “You already know my name, but I want to properly introduce myself. I’m Dan.”

“Phil.” He takes Dan’s hand, shaking it once before finishing locking up. “I’ll see you tomorrow at eight.”

~

Dan pushes off of the roof of his car he was sitting on when he sees Phil pull into the parking lot. Phil sees him, shaking his head and pulling a face as the music pumping from his stereos is cut off and he climbs out. “Do you not know parlor etiquette?”

“I thought I’d bring you coffee as a part of my apology.” He holds up a Starbucks cup, a gesture of good will. “I’ll just sit quietly while you set up.”

Phil opens the door, bell above them ringing, and Dan quickly follows him in. He casts his eyes around the place, large graffiti murals on the walls and giant fish tank next to the counter that houses an assortment of fish and skull decorations. A sign that reads ‘no children’ and a list of tattoo care tips hangs behind the counter along with a shelf full of t-shirts you can buy with the parlor’s logo on it.

Dan sits on the sofa to the side after handing Phil his coffee. Phil sets it down on the cabinet in his booth and sets to work organizing his tools. Dan watches, fascinated by the procedure. “I’m not use to a fancy place like this. All my other tattoos come from sleazy places or my friends.” He admits, trying to charm Phil more. Phil seems really cool despite his standoff-ish attitude; but Dan deserves it after being a pain.

“What happened to sitting quietly?” Phil called over to him, drawers clanging and utensils clicking onto his metal tray.

Dan presses his lips together, not wanting to get back on Phil’s bad side. He instead tries to catch glimpses of Phil’s other tattoos as he goes back and forth in front of him, gathering tools and stopping once to hand Dan forms to sign. He spots a rising sun tattoo around his elbow with a Pokeball in the center, making him smile at Phil’s nerdy-ness.

Phil finally calls him over to the register, taking his forms and ringing up his tattoo, taking Dan’s payment. He then leads him over to his booth and Dan enters, scanning the walls. They’re littered with pictures of Sonic, Link, and even a big Muse poster that takes up the majority of a wall. Little action figures of Gen 1 Pokémon line the top of one wall and a Tetris lamp sits on top of the other. His ink cabinet is covered in vinyl stickers of lions, a Mario mushroom and assorted little stickers of animals. Seems more like a twelve-year-old’s journal than a grow man’s ink cabinet. “Love what you’ve done with the place.”

“Lie down on the bench.” Phil instructs and Dan obliges, taking off his shirt and lying on his back across the padded bench. Phil sits in his chair and slaps on rubber gloves, setting his tray beside Dan, stopping as his eyes rake across his body. Dan’s chest and stomach are bare of tattoos, showing off his lightly tanned skin. “You want this on your chest, right?”

Dan nods, seeing Phil take the big printed sheet of paper out of his drawer and hold it up. “Right over my clavicle.”

“I hope you have a good pain tolerance; this won’t be like your arms.” Phil sets the stencil aside and grabs a bottle of rubbing alcohol, pouring some onto a paper towel and applying it to Dan’s chest, making him hiss at the cold. He then takes the stencil and tells Dan to hold still as he lays it down on his chest, placing it ever so gentle and double checking with Dan that it’s in the right place. Dan hums a yes and Phil sets it with water, the temporary ink staying on his skin as he peels the paper away and discards it.

Phil sits back, reading over the ink on Dan’s chest as he starts opening his ink bottle. “’It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves’. Is that lyrics from something?”

“It’s Shakespeare.” Dan corrects him and Phil is surprised, not taking him for a Shakespeare fan. He takes a moment to look over Dan’s other tattoos; all black and white. Flowery sugar skulls and a demonic looking bunny make up his lower arm as a big sleeve of music cords covers his upper arm.

“It’s Bliss from Muse.” Dan smiles, noticing Phil looking over it, and as Phil looks he can almost read out the beginning of the song, the fast paced notes cluttering up the lines. “I see that you’re a fan, too.”

Phil nods, grabbing his tattoo gun and clicking it once to make it buzz, Dan’s eyes peering over to it in anticipation. He takes a deep breath as Phil dips the gun in the ink then brings it to Dan’s chest, his cold hands seeming freezing against Dan’s heated skin. Dan closes his eyes as he hears the familiar buzz and when the gun hit his skin he has to stop himself from jerking. The pain on his chest was indeed much greater than his arms ever were, making him bite his lip.

“You doing ok?” Phil pauses, noticing Dan’s scrunched face.

“Y-yeah.” Dan grunts out, trying to regulate his breathing as to not mess Phil up. He holds tight to his jumbled shirt over his stomach, knuckles turning white as Phil continues with the process. As the minutes go by, even with Phil’s light hand Dan has to grit his teeth, accidentally letting out a groan.

“Do you need a break? I’m only on the ‘not’ so far.” Phil sits back, taking a moment to flex his stiff hand.

“I’m fine.” Dan doesn’t want to admit that he’s liking the pain. “You were right, it is harsher than on my arm. Not even my hips hurt this much.”

Phil looks down and Dan lifts away his shirt to show off his mirrored tribal swirls that dive into his underwear line, also noticing what looks like a series Wirrow dog doodles flying up his side. Phil pries his eyes away to rest his hand back on Dan, his hands warming up from Dan’s heat.

Dan looks around Phil’s works space again to try to distract himself, but the buzzing near his head and hands on his chest won’t let him. He looks at Phil, face concentrating on his work and he can’t help but think he’s hot. Dan wonders if he’s going out with anybody. He wouldn’t be surprised if he was.

“Do you have a girlfriend?” He blurts out, not really meaning to but the adrenaline in his brain is making him not think straight.

Phil’s eyes flick up at him for a moment then go back to his tracing. “No.”

Dan bites his lip and groans as Phil hits close to bone, moving his shirt down to cover his lap and hoping Phil doesn’t notice him acting weird. God, why does Phil have to be so hot compared to the usual burly men that do his tattoos? At least Phil couldn’t tell which flushing on his chest is from the tattoo and which is from Dan being turned on. He swallows, recovering his wits before he opens his mouth again. “Boyfriend?”

“No.” Phil backs away, stretching his back and dipping his gun into the ink again, letting Dan look at the progress. He’s almost done with ‘destiny’ then he has to move lower onto his chest and sternum, which will hurt just as much as his clavicle.

Phil finishes up the top line, having to deal with Dan’s moans and groans of pain the whole time. Usually Phil would just be annoyed at his clients complaining, but the sounds coming from Dan are almost sexual, taunting him. It doesn’t help that Dan is practically panting under his hands, sweat leaving a pool on the red bench. “Do you maybe want to make this a two appointment project? It looks like you’ve had it.”

Dan wipes the sweat from his face with his shirt as Phil wheels his chair over to his coffee, pulling off his gloves and taking a sip before resting his elbows on his knees. Dan does look beat but at the same time hot as hell. You’d think he just got done having sex, hair sticking to his forehead and eyes half lidded. Phil clears his throat, looking away.

“I don’t know.” Dan replies, bringing his feet up onto the table, trying to get comfortable. He wants to continue to get it over with, but doesn’t know how much longer he’ll last. The pain is too stimulating. He’s already not sure if he can walk out of here without Phil noticing his excitement.

“Well, you think on it while I head to the bathroom.” Phil leaves the booth, Dan waiting until he hears a door close before letting his legs down, the bulge in his pants obvious. Even if he replaces his shirt while Phil finishes there’s no way this is going away by the time he’s done. He really didn’t mean to get turned on like this, but this whole situation with Phil is just too much.

He cautiously unbuckles his belt and undoes his pants, letting out a sigh of relief as his sore cock becomes unrestrained. The image of Phil leaning over him as needle meets skin keeps tantalizing him. He grabs himself with his shirt, needing friction. He needs some kind of release, even if it means soiling his shirt. His hips buck up slowly into his hand, covering his mouth as he breathes heavily through his nose, trying to not let Phil hear.

Phil clears his throat and Dan is a deer caught in the headlights, face burning with embarrassment. “It’s, uh-“

Phil raises his hand, clearly more annoyed than ever, and Dan shuts his mouth. “Save it. If you have a problem, there’s the bathroom.” He points with his thumb. “I can wait.”

Dan thumps his head down on the bench, staring at the ceiling. There’s no way he’s recovering Phil’s image of him after masturbating on his workbench. Unless… “Or you could help me?” It’s either sink or swim at this point; he might as well try. The worst that happens is he has to go to a different parlor to finish his tattoo.

Phil chuckles, smirking as he straightens his tools tray. “I don’t think that’d be a good idea.”

“Why not?” Dan carefully leans up on his elbows, wincing as the skin on his chest stretches, trying to get Phil to look at him.

Phil focuses on re-cleaning his gun since it’s sat for a few minutes, avoiding eye contact. “Honestly?”

“Honestly.” Dan slowly slides his hand under his shirt, fingers grazing his dick and stroking. Phil’s already seen him, he might as well not hide it anymore.

“If you can barely handle a tattoo without whimpering, how am I supposed to do anything with you without hurting you?”

Dan’s mouth falls open at Phil’s utter boastfulness, then slowly turns into a lustful grin. “So, you think you can make me whimper more than this tattoo did?” He fully removes his shirt from his lap, throwing it to the floor beside Phil, making him turn to look at him. He strokes himself slowly, lying his legs down flat again so Phil can see his length.

Phil watches Dan as he pleasures himself, biting his lip and throwing his head back. He turns back to his tools tray, rearranging tools absentmindedly, pretending to not hear Dan’s moans and sighs. Dan groans louder, slipping out a ‘fuck’ and looking to see Phil’s face redden, but he still makes no sign of giving in.

Dan isn’t giving up until Phil either gives in or kicks him out. He slides his pants and boxers down his thigh, bringing his feet back onto the table and giving Phil a full view of his ass. He licks around his fingers, purposefully making loud slurping sounds as he does so. He then brings his middle finger to his entrance, pressing in and groaning as his awkward angle on the bench only lets him get in to his second knuckle. “You could make this go faster, you know.” He taunts, catching Phil quickly looking at his ass before turning away again.

Suddenly, he stands up, chair knocking back into the wall. Dan stops as Phil slams his hand next to his head on the bench, eyebrows drawn in anger. “You think you’re something;” Phil snaps, “You miss your original appointment by hours, you complain the entire time I’m working on you and then you have the balls to lie here masturbating on my table.” His hand snakes between Dan’s legs, smacking Dan’s hand away from his ass and thrusts his own finger in, pushing it all the way and making Dan cry out in surprise. “Is this what you want?”

Dan’s hips lift up, eyes wide as the long finger inside him flicks in and out much faster than what he was going. “Fuck, yes.” Phil is definitely not being gentle with Dan but he seems to love it, rocking into his fingers. He adds another and immediately starts to stretch, digits unforgiving as Dan’s eyes shut tight, gasping. He brushes his sweaty hair off of his face before his hand goes to Phil’s pants beside him, fingers trembling.

Phil is obviously hard, despite how annoyed he is with Dan. Beyond Dan’s rudeness he does seem to be an alright guy and he can’t deny that he wants to fuck him right now. He’s attractive; and obviously willing. His fingers shove deep, curling and scissoring apart and making Dan fumble at his belt.

A car door slams outside and they both freeze, heads wiping towards the front of the shop. Only a second passes before Phil grabs Dan’s shirt off the floor and tells Dan to get up. Dan sits up as fast as his sore torso will let him and manages to pull up his pants before Phil is tugging him towards the back of the shop. Phil practically throws him into a supply closet, pulling a ceiling chain to switch on a dim light before shutting the door. Phil presses an ear to the door and hears the front door chime, mentally cursing at his own stupidity. How is he supposed to explain coming out of a closet with a customer? He’ll be hearing about it for months if he’s caught.

Phil’s worries are interrupted as Dan goes for his belt, now having two hands to undo it with. He greedily unbuttons and zips his pants; only to freeze when he finally gets Phil’s cock out. He stares at it, mouth trying to form words but none coming out.

“What? You’ve never seen a Jacob’s Ladder before?” Phil grabs Dan’s shoulders and presses him into the wall, thumbs purposely grazing against Dan’s sore skin before tugging his pants down his thighs and hoisting his legs up around his hips. Dan stutters, not knowing what to say. This is more than he bargained for.

Phil stares at him, eyes burning with anger and lust and he doesn’t know which is fueling him by this point. Dan holds onto the collar of his shirt, half pushing him away. Phil’s grin is almost sinister, licking at the red skin around Dan’s freshly inked tattoo and making him hold back a whimper. “You’ve really put me in a spot, Dan. You’ll have to make it worth my trouble to finish you.” Him meaning it in more ways than one.

Dan holds back a moan, Phil’s threat only succeeding in Dan needing him more. “I’ve just never- I don’t know what it will feel like.”

Phil spreads Dan’s ass and prods his entrance with his cock, only barely pushing in the tip. Dan wants to push down into it but can’t, Phil holding him up and away from it, making him whine. He knows he deserves Phil’s teasing after the way he’s taunted him, but this is still so unfair. “Jesus Christ, just fuck me already.”

Phil moves Dan down, his cock shoving deep into him and Dan has to slap his hand over his mouth to muffle a gasp. His cock feels amazing, the multiple piercings down the shaft adding texture and gliding along his walls. Phil shoves in deeper, letting out a groan as Dan sinks down to his base. Dan’s face is priceless, a silent scream of bliss as his hips jerk uncontrollably, wanting him to move. “So, Dan, have you learned your lesson about manners?”

“Y-yes, God, Phil just move, please.” He begs, his voice cracking slightly, legs constricting around his waist. Phil shifts his feet, his legs hurting under the strain of Dan’s weight, and starts to pound into him. Dan’s eyes roll back, the thick cock inside him, the texture of the many lines of metal beads rubbing in and out, stretching his rim every time they go past it.

Dan’s ass is so tight, despite the harsh stretching Phil put him through earlier. His insides form perfectly around his cock, almost sucking it in. Even if they do happen to get caught, at least this will be worth it.

Dan grabs Phil’s face and groans against his open mouth, seeking his tongue and flicking over the barbell as it clacks against his teeth. After a few moments he breaks away from Phil’s lips, gasping for air. He’s so God damn close, shoving his face into Phil’s collar to soften his moans as he reaches his peak, not caring that the angle made his chest burn. Phil slams into Dan, feeling himself tip over the edge and finally cumming inside him.

Phil lets Dan’s legs down, arms now shaky from the effort. After pulling up his pants, Dan picks his shirt off the floor and wipes at the mess on his stomach, thankful it doesn’t appear to have gotten anywhere else. Phil takes a step back, steadying his breathing and listening at the door again. He opens it cautiously and peeks out, letting out a sigh of relief as he sees his coworker is out front smoking, no other customers having arrived yet.

Dan follows Phil out of the closet and watches as Phil, now completely composed, goes straight back to his booth, rummaging around in his cabinet again. Dan sighs, taking it as a sign that they obviously weren’t going to be finishing his tattoo.

He walks out the door, heading for his car and tossing his shirt into the passenger seat. He starts the car, music pumping through the speakers. He’s about to take it out of park when he sees Phil come out of the shop, walking up to his car.

Dan lowers his window and Phil leans down, handing him a small paper. “My card. For your next appointment to finish that up.” He winks, finally flashing a real smile and Dan’s stomach flutters with excitement.

“I hope I can make it on time.” He baits, taking the card and making sure to touch Phil’s fingers as he does so.

“I’m sure you will.” Phil pats the top of Dan’s car and heads back inside, making Dan never want to miss another appointment again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan flips the card between his fingers, letting out a heavy sigh. It’s been a whole three damn weeks since he got his tattoo and met Phil. Ever since then he’s been waiting impatiently to call him, not wanting to seem too desperate. It wasn’t even about finishing his tattoo anymore, Dan scratching at it subconsciously before he can stop himself, it’s about seeing Phil again.

Those eyes that kept darting away from him whenever Dan caught him looking, like he wasn’t supposed to. Then when they were in the closet and he wouldn’t stop looking; determined as Phil pounded into him relentlessly. It gave Dan shivers remembering being under his gaze. When Phil gave him his card, those same eyes had finally turned soft, like he was a whole other person from before. No one has ever looked at him like that. Not truly.

It’s weird how closed up Phil seemed. Looking at him and finding out some things he likes you’d think he was a nice guy, but he gave off such an attitude towards Dan at first. He guesses it was his flirting and taunting that won him over in the end, or provoked him, as it usually does with people. Still, it makes him wonder why Phil would put up such a front in the first place.

Dan’s fist pounds the arm of the sofa, deciding right now that he needs to finally call Phil. He looks over the number printed on the card, Phil’s big signature faded in the background design. He takes a deep breath, then dials; tension building with every ring.

After ringing for forever it finally clicks over, Phil’s voice greeting his ear. “Hello?”

“H-Hey, Phil. It’s Dan. Um…” he stammers, nervousness making him lose everything he wanted to say.

“Oh, hey Dan.” Phil sounds casual, yet hesitant. “How are you?”

“Fine… you?”

“I’m alright.”

Silence from both of them, Dan not knowing what else to say. What do you say to a person who you had angry sex with in the closet of a tattoo parlor? It’s not like this kind of thing has happened to him before.

“Dan?”

“Yes! I-I’m still here.”

“Did you call to set up your next appointment?”

“Um… Yeah, I was wondering if I could come in some time to finish my tattoo. Or, maybe…”

“Maybe…?”

Dan takes a deep breath, “Maybe… we could get together some time.”

Phil doesn’t say anything, the line eerily quiet and Dan gets scared that he’s said the wrong thing. He’s come on too strong and now Phil thinks he’s weird.

“Dan… I’m not really looking for a relationship right now.”

Dan feels his stupid heart clench but he shakes it off. “Haha, no, I mean, uh, you seemed cool so I thought we could hang out.”

“You sure?” Phil can sense Dan’s bluff, but doesn’t want to call him on it. He can tell he’s already made things awkward.

“Yeah, so, what are you doing later?”

“Usual Friday night stuff. If you want you can stop by the shop and we can head to this bar I know.”

A little liquid courage in him while hanging out with Phil seemed like a good idea. “Sounds good. I’ll see you later then.”

~

Dan pulls into the parking lot of the tattoo parlor, seeing Phil wave goodbye to one of his coworkers coming out the door. He motions for Dan to come inside and he quickly shuts off his car, stuffing his keys into his pocket and heading in.

Phil is still cleaning up around the place, making sure consent forms are put in the filing cabinet and that all the supplies are put away. “Do you always close up?”

“First one here and last to leave.” Phil says as Dan leans against the front counter.

He watches Phil bustle around, amazed at Phil’s dedication to work. He hates his work at the convenience store; having to cover his tattoos and be nice to rude people. He’d love to work at a place like this where he’d have fun and be around cool people all the time. “So, are you the owner then?”

“No, not at all.” Phil chuckles and Dan can’t help but smile, his laugh sounding perfect. Dan clears his throat, feeling stupid for having just thought that. He has to remember what Phil said before. They’re just friends. He is glad though that Phil is in a much better mood than their first encounter.

“I’ve just worked here for so long I’ve picked up a lot of responsibilities and I usually close so that the owner can get home to his family and spend more time with them.” Phil explains.

“That’s awfully nice of you.” Dan smirks, happy that he was indeed right about Phil being a much nicer guy than he lets off to be.

“Yeah, well, family is important.”

Dan stays silent, looking down at his shoes. He wishes he knew what that felt like; having been kicked out of his home all those months ago. He’d thought family was important, too, until they betrayed him in the worst of ways.

Phil lets out a big sigh, coming to lean against the counter next to him, crossing his arms. “You all ready to go?”

Dan breaks out of his cloud of thoughts and looks up at Phil, patiently waiting for him to reply. “Yeah, um, so where are we going again?”

“Just this bar I hang out at sometimes called Pet Sematary.”

Dan raises an eyebrow. “Is that for Stephen King or The Ramones?”

Phil chuckles again, “I’m actually surprised you know the second one. Kind of hard to find people these days that know good music.”

Dan lets out a laugh, blushing slightly at Phil’s indirect compliment. “Well, I may look like just some punk kid, but my music variety varies quite a bit. I at least appreciate the classics.”

“Good to know.” Phil grins, shoving off the counter and heading to the door. Dan watches as he locks up and leads him towards the back of the shop where the employees park, clambering into his car and taking off.

Once they’re well on the road and after a few songs play, Dan pipes up again. “So, do you have any family?”

“Yeah, but they’re way out of town so I don’t see them often.” Says while tapping out a tune on the steering wheel.

“Must be nice living on your own.” Dan says, trying to hide the envy in his voice. He wishes he had his own home; to bundle up in his own bed and not have to keep his guard up all the time. Sure, he had places to stay, usually, but he could never call those places his own.

“It’s nice sometimes.” Phil shrugs, pulling up to a dingy bar and parking.

Dan glances over the place, it looking like one of the shady parlors he use to go to. It’s unsettling how this place doesn’t intimidate him, but he’s all too used to it. They get out of the car and head in, Phil opening the door for Dan. He’s met with the steady rhythms of The Clash and the strong smell of smoke. Phil confidently weaves through the tables, making his way to the counter. “Hey, Maddie.”

A strawberry-red haired girl turns around, matching colored lips stretching into a smile. “Philly Cheese! Always glad to see you!” She leans across the counter, pulling Phil roughly by the shirt and planting a big kiss on his cheek, making Dan feel a twinge in his chest but he ignores it.

“Woah, what’d I say about the lipstick?” Phil laughs, trying to rub the big red stain off his face.

“And what’d I say about coming by more often, huh?” She pouts, crossing her arms.

“Hun, you know I’ve been busy at the parlor.”

“You could at least call to say ‘hey’ and tell me how you’re doing. You know how much I worry about you.”

Phil just shakes his head, biting back a smile. “You know you don’t have to worry, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, you say that…” Maddie spots Dan silently next to Phil and her eyebrows raise, looking him up and down. “And who’s this cutie?”

“This is Dan, a new friend of mine.” Dan throws up a hand to wave, and Maddie does the same, smiling sweetly. “Dan, this is Maddie, my good friend and mother figure.”

Maddie laughs, “Just because I worry over you doesn’t mean I’m being a ‘mom’ or anything, Philly.”

“Right…” he rolls his eyes.

Maddie does the same, then laughs. “Anyway, what can I get you boys tonight?”

“I’ll just take the usual.” Phil shrugs, turning to Dan. “You?”

Dan doesn’t really get out to drink much so he’s not sure what to order. “Um, I don’t really care. I guess I’ll have the same as you.”

“Coming right up.” Maddie winks and gets busy with their drinks.

Once they get their drinks, Phil points to the other end of the bar and Dan follows him to a booth in the back, table covered in old concert fliers under glass and a Sex Pistols record nailed to the wall. “This place is awesome, though I wish they’d play some newer punk as well.”

“They actually play a good mix of old and new. Just wait a little while and they’ll start playing Green Day or Dropkick Murpheys.” Phil sips on his drink, staring down at the fliers on the table.

Dan tries his own drink and realizes it’s just a rum and coke, although mixed a little stronger than what he’s use to but he doesn’t say anything. He takes a moment to look over Phil, chewing on the little stirrer sticking out of his drink. He looks so much more docile now compared to last time. He’s been laughing and talking casually, not all business and annoyance.

“So…” Dan begins, feeling a little awkward. He hasn’t really gone out and hung out with someone in a while so he’s a little out of practice on his small talk. “What are you hobbies, or… whatever?”

Phil looks up at him, blue eyes still looking bright under the dim lights and Dan has to stop from arching from the chill down his spine. “Well, not much really. Watch TV, play a little guitar…”

“You play guitar? That’s awesome!” Dan has always wanted to play guitar and be in a rock band. “I only know piano.”

“Piano is good, too.” Phil smiles.

“I’d love to learn guitar so I can play my favorite songs.” Dan dreams aloud.

“Maybe I can teach you sometime.” Phil licks at his stirrer before dropping it on the table.

“That’d be great.” Dan flashes a smirk, feeling a bit more comfortable now. Phil really is a cool guy that he’d love to be friends with, and with Phil offering guitar lessons he supposes he intends to stick around.

As the time goes by and they delve more into each other’s hobbies and likes, Dan feels more and more sure that Phil likes him. Not just as a friend, but in a like like way. Hell, they’d already had sex and now they’re hanging out. Usually people are too awkward after something like that to go out with the person again, so Phil must like him. That’s his reasoning, anyway, and with every sip of his drink he feels even more confident about it.

Phil excuses himself to get another drink and Dan leans his head against the wall, the room seeming fuzzy but he focuses on watching Phil. He’s so… how do you even describe what Phil is? Dan doesn’t know but he likes it, whatever it is.

Phil waves Maddie over and they start talking, Maddie leaning on the counter to get closer. They seem more than just good friends, which worries Dan. He and Phil aren’t going out, but… still. It’d be rude if Phil told him he wasn’t looking for a relationship but is actually flirting with some bartender. He could have just said he wasn’t interested! Dan swears he sees Maddie looks his way just before she pulls Phil close enough to talk next to his ear, making him sit up. She’s totally flirting with him! It has to be! She seemed so nice, too.

“Maddie, it’s not like that.” Phil mumbles, moving to take the drink Maddie is handing him but she doesn’t let go.

“Why not?” Maddie frowns, which is a rare thing for her when it isn’t playful.

“It’s complicated, ok?” Phil finally takes the drink and heads back, seeing Dan with his arms crossed and head leaning against the wall. He must be a lightweight for him to be this far gone. Maybe taking him to a bar wasn’t such a good idea, but this is the only place besides his house that feels like home. It’s been forever since Phil has gone to actually hang out with people besides Maddie. He’s glad he did, though. Dan’s a good guy and he can’t deny he’s starting to like him, all be it unwillingly.

He slides into the booth and Dan sits up, leaning towards him. “You and Maddie seem really close.”

“Yeah, she’s great.” Maddie is like a little sister to him, but she really takes more care of him than he does of her. It’s been that way for years.

“Hmm.” Dan cocks his head, “And what about me?”

“What?”

“Am I great?” Dan raises an eyebrow.

Dan is definitely a little more than buzzed, making Phil back away. “I guess, yeah.” He doesn’t want to insult Dan, but he doesn’t want to get his confidence up either. He’s not about to lead him on when nothing’s going to happen.

“Was I great back in that closet?” Dan smirks, dimples showing and Phil has to look away.

He is not getting involved with Dan. He told himself so years ago that he wasn’t going to go out with anyone else. He can’t do it again. He wants to be friends with Dan, but if this flirting keeps up he’ll have to cut it off. That’s just how it is. “How about we play some pool?”

Phil stands up and heads for the pool table around the corner, Dan stumbling behind him. He sets up the pool balls as Dan watches on the side, leaning on a stick. He can feel Dan’s eyes on him, making him uncomfortable. Those big, round eyes like to draw him in when he least expects it. It happened back at the parlor and it’s happening again now. He’s not going to let Dan’s flirting work on him this time.

Phil takes the first shot, sinking a striped ball and gesturing to Dan to go. Dan awkwardly leans over the table, almost bumping Phil with the stick as he pulls back, hitting a solid on the side but doing no more than making it spin in place. Phil laughs, “Have you ever played pool before?”

“No.” Dan straightens up as Phil goes to the other side of the table, bouncing the white ball into two different stripes. Phil seems to be a natural at this. He must play here a lot. Dan wonders if he’s played with Maddie before. “Maybe you could teach me?”

Phil comes over to Dan’s side, bending down and aiming at a ball. “Place your fingers just like mine and make sure you look down the stick to aim.” He tells him.

Dan tries to mimic Phil, looking carefully at Phil’s hands but all he can think about is those hands on his body again. He lets out a heated sigh, eyes traveling along Phil’s body, looking even more inviting at this angle. He repositions his fingers, placing the stick incorrectly on top. “Like this?”

“No, here.” Phil takes Dan’s fingers and positions them correctly, his hands cool and rough and God Dan wants them to go everywhere.

Dan moves in front of Phil, bending over to aim at a ball. “Can you show me how to aim?”

Phil bites his lip, hesitating before placing his hands on top of Dan’s, controlling the stick and showing Dan where to hit the ball depending on where you want it to go. Dan presses back into Phil, hard hips moving against his ass as Phil takes the shot and Dan stifles a moan.

Phil immediately straightens up, face red and gripping the stick tightly. He knows Dan isn’t playing the same game he is. He can’t deny that he wants Dan as well, but… Dan’s game is more dangerous than he thinks; for him and for Phil.

Phil proceeds to make three more shots, putting him in the lead. Dan looks over the table, sizing up his next move. He knows he can get Phil to cave if he tries hard enough. He’s done it before and the thrill of the chase always makes it that much better when he gets the reward. “I’ll make you a deal.” He looks up at Phil, finishing off his drink and setting the glass on a nearby table. “Whoever wins can make the loser do anything they want.”

Phil can tell Dan is serious and doesn’t even have to guess at what he’s thinking. “Anything?”

“Anything.”

Phil takes another shot and makes it, leaving only two balls left until he goes for the 8 ball. “I’m game.”

Dan’s next turn is a streak of luck, making five balls go in and making Phil’s angles hard to make. “How did you go from newb to pro in a minute?” Phil laughs, hiding his nervousness.

Dan just shrugs. “I’m a fast learner.” And his buzz is wearing off, making his stance not so wobbly and eyes more focused.

Phil gets another ball in but the last one doesn’t bounce right, ending up knocking back into the white ball and making it go into the hole, Phil mentally cursing.

Dan finishes up briskly, sending the 8 ball flying into the corner pocket and smirking up at Phil. “Looks like I won.”

Phil takes care of the table and puts his stick away, crossing his arms and looking down at Dan. “Alright, you brat, what do you want.”

Dan laughs at being called a brat; supposing he can be like one sometimes. “I think you know what I want.”

Phil presses his lips together, trying his hardest to feign disinterest. “Anything else you want?”

“No.” Dan steps closer, pressing a finger to Phil’s chest. “I just want you.”

Phil swallows, Dan looking up at him through his lashes and warm body all too close. Why does Dan do this to him? He’s been hit on before through the years but he’s easily turned them down, telling them he’s not interested and moving on. He did that with Dan, too, but he’d be lying if he told him he wasn’t interested.

Dan’s finger moves down his chest, voice low. “I want you. Inside me. Filling me.” His finger stops when it hits the top of Phil’s pants, “I need you.”

I need you, Philly. A sweet voice from the past plays in his head and he snaps out of his frozen state, backing away from Dan. “I’m taking you back.” Phil grabs Dan’s wrist and pulls him through the bar, shouting to Maddie to put his last drink on his tab.

They jump into the car and Phil takes off, blasting his music a bit louder than before. He doesn’t understand why Dan has to provoke him so much. One minute he thinks Dan is a great guy, fun to hang out with, then the next he finds himself irritated at him again. Dan just can’t get it through his head that he doesn’t want to have sex with him again. Well, he does, but he feels like he shouldn’t. Dan doesn’t know what he’s getting into.

Dan stays quiet the whole way back to the parlor, the light outside the shop barely illuminating his car still parked outside. Phil shuts off the car and lets his arms drop, both of them not sure what to say. Dan unbuckles and turns to Phil, his eyes closed and head leaning back. “Am I going to get my reward?” he taunts, “Or do I have to take a rain check on it for now?”

Phil doesn’t even look. “Is that all you think about? Fucking me?”

“It’s not all I think about,” Dan moves to bring his legs up, clumsily crawling over the center console and settling down on Phil’s lap; straddling him and trying not to press too much into the steering wheel behind him. “But I do think about it quite a bit.”

“I don’t see why you would.” Phil finally opens his eyes, looking up at Dan in the dim light, his earrings glinting and arms draped around the back of his headrest. He feels so weak. He should push Dan off of him and out the passenger door. He should tell Dan that he’s not going to play along anymore. He should end this now. “I’m not that great.”

“I disagree.” Dan raises an eyebrow, “I can name several things about you that are great.”

Phil chuckles, trying to hide the pain in his chest. Dan doesn’t even know him. He doesn’t really know Dan, either. “Shut up.”

“Fine.” Dan leans forward and kisses Phil, sucking on his bottom lip and humming contently. Phil lets him have his way, hoping Dan will just get his childish fill and leave but he soon finds his hands running up Dan’s thighs and catching Dan’s lip between his teeth. Damn him.

Dan scoots up on his lap more, chest pressing against Phil’s and making Phil have to crane his neck to reach Dan’s mouth and Dan loves that he’s struggling to. Phil’s hands move up his shirt and across his back, riding up his shirt until he makes him take it off and tosses it into the other seat. He licks at Dan’s smooth skin, now much more natural looking compared to the raw redness of last time. “Your tattoo healed well.” He remarks, the writing across Dan’s chest staring back at him. “’It is not in the stars to hold our destiny’… You need to finish the quote.”

“Maybe I’ve grown fond of it like this.” Maybe Dan wants another excuse to keep Phil around. Maybe if he keeps putting off his appointment with him to finish it up, he can keep hanging around Phil as long as he wants.

Maybe having the quote like this suites him better.

Phil’s tongue darts to Dan’s nipple, grazing it just enough to make Dan gasp and squirm. Phil holds on tightly and nips at the pink skin, his fingers pinching and twisting Dan’s other nipple and making Dan almost bump into the car horn. “We should move this to the back.” He suggests.

Phil nods and Dan clambers between the front seats to get to the back, throwing himself onto the seat on his back as Phil comes on top of him. They’re already a mess of hot breath and sweat, condensation slowly building on the windows around them. Phil nibbles at Dan’s neck and he moans, grabbing Phil’s hips and pulling them down into him. He can feel Phil’s growing length against his own hard cock, their friction restricted with clothes.

Dan squeezes his hands between them and undoes Phil’s pants, Phil stopping his biting and doing the same to Dan. After kicking off his shoes, Phil helps him out of his pants and throws them and his underwear over the headrest, leaning up and taking in the sight of Dan; panting and spread out in front of him. He takes a moment to tease Dan, finger barely grazing against his cock and earning a whine. His hand travels between Dan’s legs and rubs against his entrance, Dan putting a foot down on the floor to spread more.

Phil presses in, finger slicked with Dan’s precum and Dan chokes out another moan, hands running through his hair and closing his eyes. Phil drags his finger out and pushing back in agonizingly slow. Dan reaches down and wraps his fingers around Phil, pumping slow and making Phil add another finger. “You’re being much gentler than last time.” He breathes.

“Last time I was mad at you.” Phil spreads his fingers apart, Dan arching his back and bumping his head against the door.

“And now?” Dan asks, but Phil doesn’t answer. He really does wonder what Phil is thinking right now. There’s so many times in Dan’s life that he’s wished he could read people’s minds and know exactly what they were thinking. It would have saved him so much grief and struggle and pain. It doesn’t help that Phil is somewhat of a closed book. He wants to earn Phil’s trust so he’s willing to tell Dan more about himself.

Phil pulls his fingers out and adjusts his knees. “Think you’re ready?”

“God, yes.” He moans, bringing his foot back up and wrapping his legs around Phil’s waist. He’s waited weeks to feel this and he’s dying to be full again. Phil presses his tip against Dan’s hole and slowly pushes in, Dan holding his breath as those wonderful piercings slide against his walls and curl his toes. “Jesus, Phil, you know you don’t have to be gentle.” Dan wants to be pounded into the seat, sending his mind spinning.

“Maybe I want to be.” Phil moans before biting his lip, now all the way inside Dan and giving Dan a moment.

Dan looks up at him, hands now resting on Phil’s legs. He has to remember that Phil has different sides of himself. There’s the up-tight, aggressive side that he first met, and the laid-back, gentle side he’s gotten to know today. Before Phil, sex was… routine. Rough, but mundane. It felt good at first, but after a while it was just sex, only realizing that in hindsight. He wants Phil to make him feel alive again. Maybe even feel loved. He needs it.

Dan reaches up to Phil and he leans down, Dan promptly wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck and burying his face in his shoulder. Phil seems unsure at first but when Dan squeezes his legs around Phil’s torso, egging him on, he cautiously holds Dan back and starts thrusting into him.

Dan lets out a long moan, the feeling of Phil inside him and arms around him like no other. He craved this feeling with every fiber of his being and now that he has it again it’s like a dream. It’s a different experience now; a sense of equilibrium and wholeness that he can’t explain but it feels so right he just goes with it.

Phil goes faster, Dan having to pull away from Phil’s shoulder so he can breathe. Phil looks down at him, planting kisses along his jaw and neck. His hair is a wavy mess and his cheeks flush. He’s gorgeous and horny and Phil can feel his heart arguing with his brain to just enjoy this. It’s not an angry, lustful mess like the first time. It’s the touch that Phil has needed for so long. A caring, gentle touch all over his body that he hasn’t felt in years.

Dan lets out a gasp, hand grasping Phil’s shirt. Phil makes another deep thrust and Dan squeezes his eyes shut, mouth gaping. He does it again and again, stimulating the little bundle of nerves and making Dan throw his head back. Dan is on the brink of cumming and digs his fingers into Phil’s back, clawing. Phil draws in a breath through his teeth and grabs Dan’s arms, pinning his wrists against the door above his head. Dan wonders if he scratched too hard but his mind is soon wiped as Phil smashes his mouth to his, tongue prodding for entry.

Dan cries out as Phil makes another hard pound into his prostate, the shock and the feeling of his dick rubbing against Phil’s stomach sending him over the edge and cumming. As he rides Dan out Phil also comes, hips jerking. He let’s go of Dan’s wrists and slowly pulls out, stretching up front to the glove compartment to grab some random napkins from fast food joints. They wipe themselves off before awkwardly getting redressed in the car, stepping outside once they’re done.

Dan stretches, legs and back stiff from the hard back seat. Phil leans against his trunk, rubbing his back. “Sorry if I scratched you too hard. Kind of got too into it.” He teases.

Phil chuckles, “It’s ok.”

Dan sighs out of satisfaction, feeling better than he has in weeks. He was so stupid to have waited so long to call Phil. He could have felt this high weeks ago and hung out with Phil at the bar sooner. “So, when do you think we can get back together again?”

Phil stares at the pavement, lips pressed thin. Now that his mind is clear he needs to tell Dan what’s what. “Dan, I think we need to settle something first.”

“What’s up?”

Phil kicks at a rock, sorting out his words carefully. He doesn’t want to lose Dan completely; he has to admit that much to himself. He’s let himself grow too attached by mistake. “We need to figure out what we’re doing. Are we friends? Are we fuck buddies?”

Dan looks him over, trying to read his expression but the lack of light making it hard. “I thought we could be both?”

“I can’t do that.” Phil paces away from Dan, hands in his pockets as he follows the rock he’s kicking in a circle. “I’d like to be friends with you. You’re a cool person.” He kicks the rock back towards Dan, making him face him again. “I even wouldn’t mind being just fuck buddies; and I know you wouldn’t mind either.” He kicks the rock again and it hits Dan’s shoe, making him stop. “But both is too much. It’s too close to being in a relationship for me and I can’t do that.”

“Why?” Dan steps on the stupid rock that Phil was kicking around, “What’s wrong with being in a relationship?”

“Nothing.”

“Do you like that Maddie chick instead?” Dan can feel the lump in his throat as he asks.

“What?” Phil is thrown off, “No, Maddie’s like a sister to me.”

“Is it me then?” Dan raises his voice, his arms visibly shaking. “Do you think I’d be an unfit boyfriend or something?”

“I never said anything like that.” Phil shakes his head, “If you really have to know, I have some baggage, ok?”

“So?” Dan shrugs, half laughing. “Who doesn’t? How do you know I don’t have some stupid baggage, too? That’s not stopping me from liking you.” Dan looks away, hiding his embarrassment. Phil has to know by now that Dan likes him. He’s never been good at hiding his feelings.

Phil stares at Dan for a moment, then walks back to his car, opening the door. “If you really like me, why is it so hard for you to choose between my personality and my dick?” With that, he slams the door, starting the car and Rise Against blasting as he pulls out of the parking lot, leaving Dan standing in the dim light of the parlor.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

“I need you, Philly.” Robin whispers over Phil’s shoulder, nipping at his ear. Phil smirks, setting down his guitar before reaching around and pulling her over the back of the sofa, making her giggle as she lands on the cushions. Phil moves between her legs and settles down on top of her, resting his head next to hers to look at her.

She’s so gorgeous with her long eyelashes and rose-red lips, which he promptly kisses. “How did I get so lucky?” Phil wonders, brushing Robin’s hair off her face.

“Hmmm, I don’t know.” She teases, hand running down his side. “I think I’m pretty lucky, too sometimes.”

“Only sometimes?” Phil grins, poking her nose with his.

“Sometimes.” She pecks at the corner of his mouth.

She tugs him closer, deepening the kiss and he sinks into it, closing his eyes. Her hands are all over him in all the familiar places, fingertips trailing low. His hands run over every curve and playfully pull at her clothes and hair, allowing for more access to her smooth skin.

Her hand goes to his zipper, cupping him as she moves her leg between his. “Mmm, already?” He laughs between pecks before opening his eyes. The eyes staring back at him look off and it takes him a moment to notice the trail of tattoos down the arms holding him and the darker hair tangled around his fingers.

Phil wakes up with a gasp, the alarm on his phone blasting Bombshell before he shuts it off. He runs his hands through his sweaty hair, trying to decipher what just happened. It’s been a while since he’s dreamed of the past, trying to keep from dwelling on it too much. Hearing Robin’s voice again even in a dream was both soothing and sad, making him sigh as he gets up out of bed.

He lets the water run down his face in the shower, the steam seeming to cleanse his mood and get him ready for the day. He still can’t shake the sour taste on his tongue from Dan popping into his precious memory. He had no right being there. He’s done well to keep Dan from his thoughts these past few days, still mad at him for the incident the other night.

He meant what he told Dan; he’d like to be friends and he’d like to be fuck-buddies, but not both. Dan’s an awesome guy and extremely hot, but he just can’t let his heart get involved. He already feels guilty for liking Dan on accident; if he sets things right now it could still work. He could have a nice new friendship with a guy or he could end up with a good way to relieve stress. It has to be either/or.

Phil gets to work and gets through two jobs before lunch; both times ending up not chatting with the people like usual and instead drifting off in thought. He remembers how his hands felt on Dan when doing his tattoo; his body warm and inviting. The writing he’d stared at while Dan sweated under his gaze burned into his mind: It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. Words Phil finds so far from the truth. He seems fated by the stars to have his heart hurt over and over again, no matter what he does.

“Phil?”

He looks up from his sandwich he wasn’t even tasting and sees Jake waving over to him. “I have someone who wants to make an appointment.” He says, holding the phone to his chest, “Want me to slip it in this afternoon?”

“Depends, what kind of job is it?” Phil actually planned on leaving early to visit Maddie.

“Says it’s a follow-up appointment on a chest tattoo.”

Phil freezes just before taking another bite. “Can you ask the name?”

Jake raises an eyebrow but asks for the caller’s name. “Dan Howell.”

“Tell him I’m booked up for at least a week.” Phil angrily stuffs a crisp into his mouth.

Jake looks at the big book on the counter. “But you’re free-“

“I know,” Phil interrupts, “but tell him I’m busy.”

Jake relays the message then hangs up, coming over to sit on the lounge sofa with Phil. “What was that about?”

“Just this guy I don’t want to see right now.” Phil shrugs, finishing up his sandwich.

“Is it an irritable customer?” Jake asks, sitting up into ‘serious business’ mode. He’s usually the one to handle any customers that don’t follow the rules or those times when drunks come in wanting an appointment.

“Not quite.” Phil gets up to throw away his trash, shuffling back and crossing his arms, “Just left off on a bad note last time I talked to him.”

“Oh, wait a minute.” Jake rubs his chin, “Is it the guy I saw come around the other day before you closed up? With the Triforce tat?”

“Yeah.” Great. Phil didn’t really want Dan to become known around here. He likes to keep his work and personal affairs separate. “We went to hang out after and got in an argument.” More like Dan being selfish and Phil storming off, but no need to explain the whole thing.

“That sucks.” Jake sighs, “I had a fight with my buddy Kevin last month over the stupidest of things, but then just last week we were playing COD together like nothing ever happened. It’ll work out in the end.”

Phil shrugs, “Yeah, I guess.” Does Phil want things to work out? Maybe it’d just be best to end things now. Only a little bit of heartbreak then he’ll be ok instead of the chance of getting hurt more later. Make it quick and clean. It may be best for the both of them.

~

Dan mindlessly goes back to stacking boxes on the top shelf, ending his break and shoving his phone back in his pocket. He wanted to try to see Phil again, but it looks like he’ll have to wait. He hasn’t seen him since he left him in the dark parking lot of the parlor, taillights fading off down the road as he stood there dumbfounded. After sitting in his car and going over what had just happened, Dan felt like such an idiot for what he’d said. He’d been childish and greedy; only thinking of himself.

What must Phil think of him now? He had literally called him a brat before, his reputation must be shot now. He had the nerve to tell Phil he liked him knowing Phil didn’t want a relationship and after accusing Phil of liking Maddie over him. He wouldn’t be surprised if he never saw Phil again. He might as well start looking around for someone else to finish his tattoo; it’d be too painful to leave it as is.

“Dan, right?”

Dan looks down at a pile of red hair thrown in a messy bun and polka dot dress and almost has a heart attack. “Yeah, and… Maddie?”

“Yup!” She smiles up at him. “How are you doing?”

“Um, I’m fine. Just working.” Dan rubs the back of his neck, wishing he could disappear. On the opposite end of Phil, Maddie is one of the people Dan didn’t want to see right now. She hasn’t done anything wrong, though, so he should try to be polite. “You?”

“Oh, just shopping.” She gestures to her basket full of candy and lady things. “Haven’t seen you at Pet again! Will you stop by with Phil again sometime?”

“I’m not sure…” Dan doesn’t want to say too much to Maddie in case she relays it to Phil.

“I hope you do.” She giggles, “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen Phil smile like that.”

“It has?” Dan thought Phil was pretty smile-y around Maddie while they were there.

“Yeah, he’s usually a big grumpy-gills unless he’s talking to little old me.” She daintily places a hand on her chest. “But you guys were laughing so loud I could hear you across the bar over the music!”

Dan bites his lip, playing with his price-sticker gun. “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure thing, hun.”

“Has Phil always been so… detached?” Dan can’t think of a better way to describe what Phil is.

Maddie’s smile fades from giddiness to sympathy. “No, he hasn’t. He used to be the life of the party, but now he’s afraid to make new connections with people. He doesn’t want to repeat the past. That’s all I’ll say.”

Dan nods, understanding she doesn’t want to spill everything private about Phil. “I don’t mean to pry, it’s just…”

“You like him.” Maddie states and Dan looks at her again. “But he said no, didn’t he?”

“Yeah… How’d you know?”

“It’s not hard to tell that you like him; it’s written all over your face.” She smiles faintly again, “But Philly’s been through a lot and it’s still taking him time to recover.” She places a hand on his arm, “I ask you as his friend and as a person who also cares about him a great deal: be patient with him. If you like him and if he likes you, please go at his pace or you’ll scare him away.”

Dan chews his lip. “I may have pushed him later that night… Ok, I did push him… Now he won’t talk to me.”

“Did he tell you to ‘fuck off’ or is he just ignoring you?” Maddie crosses her arms.

“He won’t pick up his phone for me and I don’t want to just barge into his work and annoy him more.”

“Hun, if he’s just ignoring you that just means he’s thinking things over. He’s so methodical with everything, even his own feelings.” She shakes her head, “I don’t see how you or Robin could put up with him.”

“Robin?” Dan cocks his head.

“Never mind.” She quickly waves her hand at him. “Just give him time and let him come to you, ok?”

“I’m trying… It’d just hard.” Dan really wants to see Phil again. He wants to make things right.

“I know, but you’re such a sweetie pie, I think you can do it.” She nudges his arm, “But if you break his heart I’ll cut off your balls.”

Dan lets out a laugh, but he’s pretty sure that she’s only half kidding.

~

Phil catches Maddie in the parking lot of Pet Sematary, sneaking up behind her and poking her in the sides. “Ah!” she squeals, “Oh, Philly! Don’t scare me like that!”

“Couldn’t resist.” Just being in Maddie’s presence makes Phil feel a tad better. He can be himself around her and tell her anything. She’s the one friend he can absolutely trust.

“Well, just for that you can come keep me company until happy hour.” She says as Phil gets the door for her.

“That was my plan anyway.” Phil waits as she gets set up in the back kitchen, getting on her apron and such before she starts her shift. She comes up behind the bar and stop in front of Phil, retying her hair. “So, how’s that new friend of yours?”

Phil shrugs. “Alright.”

“Really?” She asks again.

Phil should know by now that he can’t bullshit at her. “Not really.”

“What’s up?” She leans her elbows on the bar.

Phil plays with some napkins, folding them corner to corner. “We had a fight because he was being stupid.”

“I’ll be the judge of the stupidity around here.” She raises a finger. “Tell me what happened.”

Phil briefs her on what happened around the pool table and after their romp in his car, her pulling a face. “Well, I didn’t need to know about your sex-capades, honestly, but the other stuff…”

“Dan was being selfish.” Phil reiterates, now tearing his napkin along the lines. 

“Well, you were, too.” She shrugs.

Phil looks up at her, pausing his work. “I made it clear to him that I don’t want a relationship with him and he continued to pressure me.”

“But why?”

“Why’d he pressure me?” Phil snorts, “Because he’s a horny brat that’s probably used to getting whatever he wants.” Saying it out loud makes Phil wonder why he likes Dan in the first place. Sure, they had stuff in common, but that’s not the only element in liking someone.

“No,” Maddie, leans closer, “why don’t you want a relationship with him?”

“You know why.” It’s the same reason he’s had for years and Maddie knows it. He doesn’t see why she has to ask.

“Because Robin wouldn’t like it?” Maddie stops Phil from obliterating the napkin to dust and holds his hand between hers, “Listen, Philly. I know you still love Robin. I do, too.” Her voice almost cracks and she has to press her lips together a moment to compose herself. “I also know that’d she’d want you to be happy. You’re not happy being alone.”

Phil squeezes her hand, “It’s not just that, Mad.” Phil digs deep, mustering up the words to describe the fear that he’s felt for so long. He’s never even told Maddie this before. “What if I get hurt again?”

“Hun…” Maddie grabs the back of Phil’s neck and presses a big kiss to his forehead, not caring if he protests but he doesn’t. “Do you really think that will happen again? Do you believe that the world would be that cruel to you?”

“It seems that way sometimes.” Phil mumbles, “Sometimes it’s like God just wants to fuck me over.”

“Or,” Maddie lifts his chin to look at her, “maybe someone else is trying to give you a second chance. Maybe you should see where it takes you.”

Phil frowns, not wanting to let her words give him hope. “What if I come crashing down again?”

“Isn’t it worth a shot to get to the same heights as you were? You were such a ray of sunshine and now you’re just a raincloud of regrets and guilt. It hurts to see you like this.”

Phil pulls out of her grasp but still touches her fingers, the nail varnish chipping away. “I’m just scared.”

“I’m sure your friend is scared he’s going to lose you.” She scolds, “You’ve been ignoring him, haven’t you?”

“Yeah…” He’s one to talk about Dan being childish when he’s ignoring him instead of talking things out. Should he really take a chance on Dan? He likes Dan… They do seem to work well together when Dan isn’t being pushy, but is it worth the pain after? If Phil lets himself get officially attached and then things don’t work out or… something else happens, could Phil really go through that again? It wrecked him last time; left him cold. Is he really ready to try to love again? “I guess… I’ll try.”

“Thank you, Philly.” Maddie breathes, sounding ten times better.

Phil gives her a small smile, glad he came to talk to her tonight. “I’ll call him first thing tomorrow.”

~

No tan-line from a ring on his finger and no family photos in his wallet when he bought Dan his drink; this guy seems like a good catch. No matter what’s going on in Dan’s mind right now, he still needs a place to sleep tonight, and with him trying to save up enough money to finish his tattoo he doesn’t have enough to rent another motel room. Dan’s had to resort back to his old game. He’d sleep in his car again, but tonight was going to be chillier than it has been lately.

“Here you go.” The man slides the drink towards Dan. He’d made sure to watch the bartender and the man carefully so he wouldn’t find any surprises in his drink. Dan promptly chugs half of it down, needed to be fairly buzzed if he’s going to deal with this one. He’s not that bad looking, but he seems like a real tool. He hopes there won’t be that much talking involved. There usually isn’t.

“Thanks.” Dan cheekily grins, leaning closer. “So, what was it you said you did?”

The man goes into talking about his law firm and Dan tunes out, nodding and giggling at all the right times. He wonders what Phil’s up to right about now. Probably over at the other bar with Maddie. God, he hopes Maddie doesn’t say anything to Phil about their encounter earlier today. She seemed sincere in wishing Dan good luck with Phil, so she shouldn’t say anything to Phil that would hinder him from apologizing when he gets the chance.

“That sounds like a lot of work.” Dan reaches over and fingers at the man’s tie, loosened now. “Must get boring.”

“It does,” the man agrees, leaning closer to breathe his whiskey breath in Dan’s face. “but I think I’d have a lot more fun if you visited my office now and then.”

Dan makes himself smile. “I bet.” It only takes Dan a few more cheesy lines and the rest of his drink before the man is showing Dan to his car, taking him back to his house in some suburb and glancing around at the dark houses before ushering him inside. It’s a very bland house with no signs of any other occupants, thank goodness. It always put a damper on things when his company’s spouse came home early. They scramble up the stairs and Dan’s getting his shirt tugged off before he’s even in the bedroom.

The man’s hands are soft, tugging and pulling at Dan and making him fall onto the bed. Dan keeps his eyes closed most of the time, making the appropriate noises and doing whatever the man wants him to and doing it well. He wants to wear him out and make sure he’s too tired to bother to kick him out when all is said and done.

“God, you’re good at this.” The man moans as Dan has his lips around his cock. “You do this a lot, don’t you? You little slut.”

Dan feels his throat clench for a moment, but he doesn’t let it faze him as the words ring in his ears, all too familiar. Yeah, Dan did this a lot. When he had to. He didn’t really think of himself as a slut, though. Sluts fuck people a lot because they want to, not because they have to. Dan just flirts with guys, or ladies sometimes, and goes to bed with them in order to have a place to sleep at night. If it wasn’t for his falling-out at home he wouldn’t be in this mess. Dan wonders what his mother would say if she knew.

He really wishes this could be Phil right now. He’d much rather be sucking off Phil, his fingers combing through his hair, than this guy’s stubby fingers pulling and guiding his head roughly. There’s a difference between rough sex because of passion or lust and rough sex because of carelessness for your partner.

Dan kneels on the bed and bends over, shooting back a teasing glance at the man which still hasn’t said his name, nor does he care. At least the guy is courteous enough to use lube. Dan’s woken up some mornings and dreaded going to work because he was so sore. Dan lets out a moan and the man presses in quickly, just a small spike of pain before the steady rhythm of his thrusts over takes him.

Dan clenches at the sheets, remembering to vary between gasps and moans at just the right moments. He tries to put his mind back on Phil, wanting the hands on his hips to trail up his body and turn his head to kiss him, tongue playing with Phil’s barbell. The man picks up his pace and Dan stuffs his face into the mattress. “Ah, Phi- fuck!”

“You like that, huh?” The man pounds harder and Dan’s mouth is left agape, mind swirling around thoughts of colorful arms around him and light eyes piercing into him. He actually ends up cumming along with the man, a change from the last few times when he’d just pretended to.

As planned the man collapses onto the bed and is soon asleep, Dan putting on his underwear and fetching his phone from his pants pocket before lying down as well, facing away from him. He hopes he’s also able to shower in the morning before leaving, not wanting to have to use his dry hair shampoo again.

After scrolling through a few sites and checking his messages, he finally feels his eyes begin to droop. Setting his phone down on the bedside table, he pulls whatever sheets onto him that the man isn’t hogging and closes his eyes.

For a moment he thinks about trying to call Phil again in the morning, but catches himself. Maddie said he needs to be patient with Phil, so he’ll have to constrain himself. He’s not all too sure just what Phil went through in the past that has him so against going out with someone now, but whatever it was must be serious. Sure, Dan’s been through stuff, too. He’s been betrayed and used and is still being used, although he’s technically using people back.

Just what happened to Phil to make him so scared to love someone?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan groggily rubs his eyes, taking in his surroundings before he remembers where he is. The man beside him is still snoring, no signs of waking up soon so Dan decides to sneak off for a shower. He notices that some of the shampoos and body washes in the shower are a bit feminine. This guy must have at least a girlfriend that stop by often enough to leave personal products here. For the hell of it he uses some strawberry shampoo, feeling ten times better now being clean. He should have grabbed his straightener to put in his backpack before bringing it with him. He’ll have to get it later.

Wrapping a towel around his lower half he goes back to the bedroom to see that the man has woken up, throwing on another suit set and getting ready for work. “Well, good morning.” The man comes over and lifts Dan’s chin to kiss him, telling him how much of a good time he had last night.

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” Dan smirks. At least one of them did. “Leaving for work?”

“Yeah, I got called into the office.” The man runs his hands down Dan’s arms. “Wouldn’t mind having a bite before I leave, though.” He leans into the crook of Dan’s neck, nipping and fingers pulling at Dan’s towel.

Dan’s about to close his eyes and let the man continue when he sees the little light on his phone blinking. “Did my phone go off?”

“Oh, yeah.” He mumbles.

Dan apologizes and pulls away, grabbing up his phone and wondering who could possibly be calling him this early. The name on the screen makes his heart skip and he quickly calls back, watching as the guy sighs and starts to dig around a drawer for a tie.

“Hey, Dan.”

“H-hey, Phil.” Dan clears his throat, “You called?”

“Yeah…” Phil’s end is silent for a moment. Dan wonders why he finally decided to call, but guesses he should just be grateful. It’s nice to hear his voice again.

“Is that your boyfriend?” The man asks, all dressed now and combing his hair.

“Uh, no-“

“Who’s that?” Phil asks.

“Just some guy.” Dan answers. He didn’t want Phil to get the wrong idea.

“Well, if you’re busy-“

“No!” Dan almost shouts. “Do you… maybe want to talk in person?” He bites his lip, really wanting to see Phil again.

“Sure…” Although Phil doesn’t sound so sure, “Do you want to meet me somewhere?”

“Um,” Dan covers his phone with his hand, “Do you think you can take me back to my car before you leave for work?”

“My office is in the opposite direction of town.” The man shrugs, probably put off since he couldn’t get more sex out of Dan before he left.

“It looks like I’m kind of stuck at this guy’s house right now…” Dan hated to admit, “My car is at a bar.”

“You went home with someone last night.” Phil almost sounds disappointed.

“It’s not what it sounds like, Phil… It’s complicated.” Worse than Phil thinking Dan got drunk and hooked up with a guy, he didn’t want Phil to know about his situation of living. It’s more embarrassing and shameful than just going home with someone.

“I’m sure… I can just pick you up there, I guess.” Dan asks the man what the address is and tells it to Phil, promising to be waiting outside. After hanging up Dan quickly gets dressed as the man tries to get his number. He makes the excuse that this phone is going to be shut off soon anyways so there’d be no point, but promise to get together again next time he sees him at that bar. He reminds himself to never go there again.

~

“So…” Phil pops down the bubbles on his coffee lid.

“So…” Dan stares down at his; not sure why he even ordered it when he doesn’t drink that much coffee. “I thought you were busy all week… But you had today off?”

“I, um, I lied about being booked.” Phil admits.

Dan’s not surprised and doesn’t really blame him. He figures he’d forgive Phil for anything right now. He’s just so happy to see him and wishes he’d had more time to prepare what to say to him. He still doesn’t even know what he wants from Phil. Does he really like Phil? Or is he getting his admiration and lust mixed together?

“Phil-“

“I’m-“

They look up at each other and Phil presses his lips together. “You go first.”

Dan takes a breath, his face draining of color. It’s been a long time since he’s apologized for anything and it’s always been hard for him. This time is no different; harder even. He not only likes Phil but looks up to him as a responsible and cool guy. He hates that he’s upset and disappointed him. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry. I tried to push you into doing something that you didn’t want and I had no right to.” He takes a sip of his bitter coffee, sorting out more of what he wants to say. “I just really like you and… I want to be with you but if you don’t want to be then I should respect that.”

Phil breathes out a laugh. “I think this is the most grown up you’ve ever sounded.”

Dan smiles and nods, Phil probably being right. It’s up to Phil on which direction their relationship turns, whether it be forward or backward. He’s not going to force himself on him anymore. “So, what do you want to do?”

Phil looks back down at his coffee, almost gone now. “I’m still not sure. It’s honestly why I called you today.”

“It’s up to you on this.” Dan shrugs, hiding the fact that he’s nervous about Phil’s decision. “You said you had some baggage and that’s why you didn’t want to be in a relationship. I understand that.” All too well.

“I do…” Phil sits back, crossing his arms. “I’ve been letting it hold me back for years now. It’s kept me from getting to know people and get attached to them. Maddie’s my only real friend I talk to anymore.”

“It must have been something bad.” Dan doesn’t want to give away what Maddie said to him, not that it was much. He wants to learn everything from Phil, not as secondhand gossip or something.

Phil just nods. “I don’t usually talk about it, but…” Phil sits back up and finishes his coffee, turn the paper cup in his hands. “Maybe if you meet Robin you’ll understand.”

There’s that name again. “Robin?”

Phil stands up. “Come on. It’s been a while since I’ve gone to see her. I think I owe her some flowers.”

Dan follows Phil to his car in silence, trying to figure out who this Robin really is. It must be someone who would make Phil not want to be with anyone but he can’t for the life of him figure it out. It can’t be his girlfriend, can it? He said he didn’t have one when they first met. He could have been lying all this time for all Dan knew.

On their way to meet this ‘Robin’ Phil stops by a flower shop, coming back to the car with a small bouquet of pink tulips; ‘Robin’s favorite’. Dan offers to hold them as Phil drives, smelling them every so often as the head a little ways out of town. They just get past a long stretch of road when they come up to a tall open gate, Phil turning into St. Vladimir Cemetery.

Dan’s about to ask Phil what they were doing here but he quickly shuts up, seeing Phil’s face. His usual collected demeanor is gone, replaced by a stone-faced man that Dan barely recognizes. Phil slowly twists the car around the many curves on the cemetery road until he pulls over and gets out, Dan shutting his door and coming around to follow him.

They weave in-between grave markers, careful not to step on any, until Phil stops. He crouches down next to a dirty headstone, brushing the dirt and grass clippings the groundskeepers must have made fly onto it off. Dan comes next to Phil and kneels down next to him, reading the chiseled words.

Robin Madison

Daughter, sister, friend.

Her date of death reads just a few years ago.

“Hey, Robin.” Phil speaks, “Sorry it’s been a while. I’ve been trying to find a time to bring Maddie along with me but she’s still working hard at Pet.” Dan stays quiet, a sense of bereavement in the air. This is the Robin that’s kept Phil from meeting someone? He gently nudges Phil’s arm and hands him the bundle of flowers. “Oh, yeah. I brought you more pink flowers.” He laughs, setting them down. “I think I bring you more flowers now than I ever did.”

Phil stares at the headstone a moment longer before standing back up, Dan following suit. “Robin loved pink, strawberries, lacey things and lots of other stuff that contracted with her… anarchist attitude. I always found it funny.”

“She sounds like an interesting person.” Dan mutters.

“She was… She was my life.” Phil stuffs his fingers in his pockets, “My whole world revolved around her and my band at the time; making just enough money from my job at the parlor and her job at Pet for us to live together. We were thinking of even getting married.”

Robin was Phil’s fiancé… It all makes sense now. Of course Phil wouldn’t want to love someone again if he’d lost a loved one before. Dan can’t even begin to imagine what Phil must have gone through; the grief he’d felt.

“After the accident… The only person left of Robin’s family that talked to me was her sister, Maddie. Everyone else turned their backs to me.” Phil shuffles his feet and Dan can see the tears brimming in his eyes. “I told myself that it wasn’t worth getting to know someone again if I may lose them one day. I was a complete wreck and it took Maddie’s help and support to get back on my feet, even though she was grieving at the time, too. I owe her so much.”

“You must have loved Robin very much.”

“I did. Still do.” Phil sniffs, “That’s another reason why I didn’t want a new relationship. It’s not fair if I still love Robin to love someone else as well.”

Dan just nods. He doesn’t want to give Phil the usual spiel of ‘I’m sure she’d understand’ when he has no right to say it. Phil’s had years to work through things and he has. He stands here today, laughing and talking to Robin’s grave as if she were still alive. He’s gotten past his grieving, but still loves her and misses her. There’s no changing that.

“It’s just hard…” Phil looks at Dan finally, “I got so used to having someone around to talk to constantly and hold and laugh with and then it was suddenly gone. It’s hard to get through the nights alone, but I feel like if I were with someone else they’d just be a replacement for her and that’s not fair to anybody. To her, me… or to you.”

“Phil…” Dan steps closer and carefully wraps his arms around Phil’s waist, wishing he could do whatever it took to comfort him. “Robin was very special to you. I doubt anyone could replace her; no matter who they are.”

Phil holds Dan back, squeezing around his shoulders and resting his chin on Dan’s head. “It’s just frustrating having my heart torn.”

Dan nods slightly. “Just go with how you feel. Don’t let anything anyone says make you feel guilty or pressured; especially me.”

Phil chuckles, wiping at the tears he’s let stream down his face and into Dan’s hair. “I know. It’s holding back my feelings that’s made them worse if that makes any sense.”

“It does.” The more you try to deny your feeling about something the stronger they get.

Phil pulls away and takes a deep breath, “When I started to like you it scared the piss out of me.” Phil admits, “I didn’t want things ending the same way.” Dan didn’t really want to die, either, but making that joke right in front of Robin’s grave wouldn’t be very appropriate. “But, if you’d like… I’d be willing to try.”

Dan grins up at him. “I’d really like that. I’ll try to not be a brat about it.”

Phil genuinely laughs, “Good.” He ruffles Dan’s hair, making him shout ‘hey!’ and slapping his hand away with a fake pout. “I say we get out of here.”

Dan agrees. “I think we need to have a laugh.”

“How about a movie?” Phil suggests, “There’s supposed to be a really good one out right now.”

A trip to the movies with Phil? Dan couldn’t find any fault in that. After Phil takes one last look at Robin, saying goodbye, they hop in the car and go to the theater. Phil insists that he pay since it was his suggestion and Dan doesn’t fight him. He would have paid if it came to it, but it would have been digging into his tattoo fund. They see some big box office hit comedy, Dan can’t remember the name but it wasn’t that bad. Most of the time he was looking over Phil, face illuminated by the screen and eating his candy.

When the movie is done they head back to Phil’s car, sun quickly setting behind the horizon, talking over their favorite parts. “And when that guy got thrown out the window!” Dan cries, holding his stomach.

“I know!” Phil laughs, “That actually reminded me of a movie I have back home.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Would you want to come watch it?” Phil smiles, leaning on the roof.

“I-“ Dan had wondered about Phil’s house. He wants to learn everything about Phil and what better way to get to know someone than by visiting their house? He’s surprised Phil is inviting him, but whose to argue? “I’d love to.”

“Cool.” Phil steps into his car and Dan gets in, too. “How about I get you to your car then you can follow me there?”

Dan had completely forgotten about his car, which is a little concerning considering his whole life is in it. “That’s a good idea.”

Dan directs him towards the bar, Dan’s face screwing up in confusion once they get there. There’s only a few cars in the parking lot so far and none of them are Dan’s. He’d thought he’d parked it in the corner, Phil stopping on the side and getting out to help Dan look. Dan walks towards the back corner of the lot, no other cars around that area and stops just a few feet away from the spot. The glittering glass on the ground makes his insides twist and heart race.

“Dan, did you find it?” Phil comes up behind him, touching his arm. Dan can’t say anything and when Phil follows his gaze he realizes why. “Oh, no…”

Everything Dan owned sans what is in his backpack is gone. His clothes, his CDs, even his keyboard he had in the trunk. All taken from him. Why does everything keep getting taken from him?

“Dan, we have to report it being stolen.” Phil tells him but he can’t move. He doesn’t understand why this keeps happening. His car, his home, his… Everything important to him snatched away and he has no power to stop it. Dan feels his legs shaking and sits down right there in the parking lot, holding himself.

“Dan..?” Phil kneels down next to him, looking over the pained expression on his face. His car must be important to him, but it’s not the end of the world. Why is Dan taking it so hard? “Dan, I’ll go inside and ask an employee about it, ok?” Phil pulls Dan off the ground and makes him look at him. “You go wait by my car.”

Dan nods and watches Phil go inside before numbly walking back to Phil’s car, sitting against the trunk. It’s the same feeling of emptiness he felt when his mom closed the door on him and ended any ties he had with her and his step-dad. Sure, his car wasn’t the same as a home, but it’s all he had left. Now all he has is some dirty clothes in his backpack and his phone.

Phil comes back out a while later and comes up to Dan, checking over him again. “The manager said as soon as he noticed the broken glass he called in a possible robbery but you’ll have to give the details to the police. He gave me his number in case you need a statement.”

Dan just nods again and Phil sighs. “How about we put off the movie and I take you home?”

Dan finally looks at him, eyes wide and head shaking madly. “No, I can’t go home!”

“Wha- why?” If Phil didn’t know better he’d say Dan looks scared right now.

“I can’t go home, please.” Dan grabs Phil’s shirt and Phil quickly holds his arms.

What’s gotten into him? He’s never seen Dan like this. It’s like an animal fighting to not get thrown in a cage. “Alright, I won’t make you, ok?” Phil brushes Dan’s fringe out of his eyes. “I’ll take you back to my place tonight.” Phil ushers Dan back into the car and they head to his house in silence, neither of them in the mood for music for once. Was Dan scared to go home? He’s never mentioned anything about his family so Phil knew nothing about them.

They get to his house and Phil lets him inside, taking his backpack for him and setting it aside. Phil tells Dan to make himself at home and he does, kicking off his shoes by the door and curling up onto the couch. Phil watches him from the kitchen while he makes some tea, Dan staring at the blank TV screen presumably in thought. It’s strange having Dan be so quiet and sulking.

Phil hands Dan his tea and asks if he still wants to watch the movie or something else. Dan just nods and Phil scavenges his collection for it, popping it in the player. By the time he sits down next to Dan he’s finished his tea and set the cup on the table. Once Phil gets situated, Dan pulls his legs up to his chest and leans into Phil, clutching at his shirt and head resting on his shoulder. Phil looks down at him and promptly wraps his arm around his waist, tugging him close and making Dan nuzzle into him. How long has it been since he’s had someone on his arm like this? Years, but it feels like just yesterday.

Unlike the unstoppable laughter while they were in the theater, they both watch this movie in silence and about half way through Phil hears steady breathing below him. Dan’s lips are parted and his eyelids flutter, making Phil wonder what he’s dreaming about. Phil knows so little about Dan yet cares this much about him. How does that even happen? He brushes his fingers through Dan’s hair and kisses the top of his head, smelling strawberries and thinking for a moment that he’s the one that’s dreaming. He reaches carefully for the remote and turns off the TV, slowly lying down a bit more on the sofa and closing his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan tightens his arms around the body next to him, squished between it and the back of the couch and cheek pressed against a firm chest. He’s never woken up in someone’s arms before. It’s nice knowing Phil’s been right here while he was sleeping; protecting him from bad dreams. He did end up dreaming, but unlike usual he didn’t wake up with a jolt and a scream. They were haunting memories but he feels like nothing can hurt him as long as he has this body pressed against him. This strong body that’s held him like this before but with much less clothes, though this way is just as nice.

He wonders if he should explain about his breakdown yesterday. Phil has to be wondering about it. Come to think of it, all this time he’s been trying to figure out about Phil’s life and Dan hasn’t told him anything about his. Phil’s shared so much with him but he’s barely said anything. It’s not right.

Phil stretches with a sigh and holds Dan tighter, legs scrunching up and knee pressing between Dan’s thighs. He gulps, the light friction of Phil’s thigh against his jeans too much this early in the morning. He looks up at Phil, still sleeping soundly. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing, but Dan doesn’t mind.

He takes in another deep breath of Phil’s scent, fingers tucking under Phil’s shirt and grazing against his skin. It’s smooth around his waist until Dan grazes over raised lines just a little way up his back; tell-tale signs of a tattoo. Dan wonders what it is, since he can’t see from here, and lets his fingers trace the lines. Long and curved, not colored in so the outline is easy to make out as some kind of feather. A wing tattoo? Cliché but cool. Dan’s hand moves up Phil’s shirt more, wondering just how big the tattoo is when his fingers meet something else. It’s a different texture than the tattoo and seems to be running over some parts of it; patches of rough skin that feels like some sort of scrape. Did Phil get hurt recently?

Phil twitches and Dan freezes, eyes slowly opening and looking down at him. Phil draws in a breath, stiffening and feeling Dan’s sensitive touch on his back. For a moment, neither of them say anything, both of them wondering what the other is thinking. Phil’s arm that’s tucked under Dan begins to tingle and he adjusts himself, leg rubbing against Dan again and feeling his excitement below. He chuckles, shoulders relaxing slightly. “Well, good morning.”

Dan feels his face heat up. “Good morning… Sorry, I just-“

“It’s fine.” Phil stops him, “It can’t be helped sometimes.”

Dan’s eyes break away from Phil to stare at his chest, hand still poised against Phil’s back. Slowly, he runs his fingers across the parts of Phil’s skin that aren’t like the rest, Phil remaining still as he does so. As he reaches to the other side of his back he accidentally scrapes his fingernail on him, Phil twitching again. “Sorry.” Dan pulls his hand out from Phil’s shirt and rests it on his chest, biting his lip before finally asking. “What happened?”

Phil’s gaze travels everywhere on his face except his eyes. “It’s from the accident with Robin. Road rash.”

Dan nods, taking it in. He’s heard of road rash somewhere, knowing it has to do with when you skid across a road. So, the accident was with a vehicle, and Phil was involved as well. If the crash killed Robin, how badly did Phil get hurt in it? “Does it still hurt?”

“Not really, just sensitive.” Phil answers, shrugging slightly.

Dan nods again, pressing his lips together. “Can… can I see it?”

Phil hesitates before slowly sitting up, Dan missing his warmth but staying quiet as Phil turns away from him. Phil pulls his shirt over his head and Dan swallows a gasp. The majority of Phil’s back is littered with large patches of scars, the biggest one over his shoulder blade. Remnants of an angel wing tattoo can be seen in-between, big enough to reach from shoulder to hip.

Phil’s head hangs in the silence, wondering how his back looks to Dan. It’s been a while since he’s looked at it himself, not wanting the reminder. He jumps as Dan’s finger touches near his spine, arching up and around near his shoulder. Dan follows the hidden tattoo, over the lines that remain and the patches of rough skin that should be colored indiscriminately. “Does it bother you?”

“What?” Dan’s finger gets to the bottom most feather and starts tracing his way back up.

“My scars…” Phil clenches his shirt, “They aren’t like the scars of my tattoos.” They’re downright ugly.

“Yes they are.” Dan disagrees, finger stopping once he gets back to where he started then sitting back. “Both scars tell me things about you, whether it be about your past or about the fact that you’re a giant nerd.” He teases, poking the Pokeball on Phil’s elbow.

Phil turns around, looking over Dan for some kind of sign that he’s just trying to spare his feelings by lying. “Most people think they look horrifying.” Not to mention how he got them is a pretty bad story in itself.

Dan shrugs. “They’re just another part of who you are. I think if you didn’t have them you may not be the same person.”

He’s right. Phil has been held back by his scars; no swimming out in public, no roughhousing with his old band mates like he used to on the rare occasions they get together, and no intimacy. It was convenient the times he’s been with Dan that he got to keep his shirt on. But Dan doesn’t seem to be bothered by them anyway. It’s like he doesn’t care about them at all. Phil leans forward and kisses him, Dan sighing and eagerly pressing back. “Thank you.”

Dan smiles, Phil’s fingers linking with his. “No problem.”

Phil breathes out a laugh, then quiets down. “So… now that you’re feeling a bit better, do you want to talk about yesterday?”

Dan looks down at their hands, Phil’s thumb brushing over his finger. He nods but can’t bring himself to speak yet, sorting out what he wants to tell Phil and what he’s not sure about yet. Phil sits there patiently, letting Dan think. Dan lifts his head but can’t bring himself to actually look at Phil, instead looking around the house; band posters and memorabilia galore. “I was kicked out of my house a few months ago. My mum thought I was stealing money from her even though I wasn’t.”

“So where have you been staying since then?”

“Around…” At first at his friend’s houses, then once he’d over-stayed his welcome he had to resort to the tactics he uses now.

Phil can’t imagine being kicked out by his family and losing his home; especially on false pretenses. Dan really doesn’t seem like one to steal, so why didn’t his mum believe him? And what’s Dan mean by ‘around’? “Maybe if you try to explain things to your mum you can make up?”

Dan shakes his head. “No, I don’t want to go back there. I’d rather be homeless than see them again.”

“You’re dad kicked you out as well?”

Dan tightens his grip on Phil’s hand. “My… step-dad.” The monster of a person that convinced his mum that he was stealing in the first place just so he would get kicked out. The only person in this world that he can honestly and wholeheartedly say he despises. The one that made him not be able to look his mum in the eye and made him feel like a doll that’d been chucked aside and abandoned.

Phil touches Dan’s chin and he snaps back to now, the man touching him now gentle and caring. “You don’t have to say any more if you don’t want to.” Phil’s lips graze his forehead, “Just know I’m here if you ever need to vent. I won’t judge you or push you away.”

Dan doesn’t let Phil say another word, quickly kissing him again and holding on tight. It’s like he needs Phil to breathe and he never wants to let go but after a moment he has to. “I’m sorry, I-“ He can’t help it. He needs Phil but he also needs to take it slow with him.

“It’s alright.” Phil smiles, “I suppose you’re still a little worked up this morning?” Dan’s shaky breath and red face confirm. “Well, I think I need a shower.” He stands up, stretching his arms above his head and making Dan squirm at the sight of his long body, muscles flexing. “I wouldn’t be opposed to you joining me.”

Dan shoots up off the couch, hands gripping the bottom of his shirt. “Are you sure?”

Phil laughs at Dan’s eagerness, like a child waiting outside a toy store. “Yeah, come on.”

Phil leads Dan to the bathroom, throwing his shirt in the laundry hamper and starting to take off his jeans. Dan makes himself look away so he can concentrate on getting his own clothes off, letting them fall into a pile by the door as Phil gets the water going. “You can use my shampoo and things if you like.” Dan nods and watches as Phil steps in, the water quickly wetting down his hair and Phil slicks it back. Dan gets in behind him and is entranced by the water flowing over Phil, the steam surrounding him and billowing up to the ceiling.

Phil turns around, giving his hair one more push back before looking down at Dan. “You know you can get washed up, too.”

Dan just nods, hands fumbling together and shifting his feet. He is a bit cold standing in the shower with no water running on him, but he’s having too much fun watching Phil get cleaned up. That, and if he gets any closer he’s going to have something he’ll have to take care of.

Phil sighs and grabs Dan’s shoulders, pulling him towards him and into the stream of hot water. “Do I have to wash you myself?”

Dan shakes his head and quickly takes the body wash bottle Phil hands him before moving out of the way, squirting some out and lathering up his body. Phil reaches around him and takes the bottle, getting some soap in his hands before rubbing his hands over Dan’s shoulders. Dan jumps at the touch but holds still, letting the hands on his shoulders make their way down his back and to his sides. “You should let me do a tattoo on your back sometime. It’s so empty.”

“I don’t know what I’d get.” Dan mutters, having to try extra hard to talk straight with Phil’s hands on him.

Phil’s finger traces the line of Wirrow dogs on Dan’s side, pondering. “You could get a landscape, a big quote maybe… I’ve seen people get lots of things.”

Dan takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. “I k-kind of like your wing tattoo.”

Phil rests his chin on Dan’s shoulder. “Black wings would suit you.” Phil’s hands travel forward, finding Dan’s tribal tattoos. “Or you could get another tribal design as well. Like these.” His fingers follow the curves and dips of the design, Dan’s hip twitching as he draws closer to his groin.

“If you did my tattoo,” Dan tries not to moan, “I’d let you do whatever you’d want.”

Phil suddenly turns Dan around, grabbing him up by his waist and pressing against him. Phil places a hand on Dan’s cheek and he doesn’t have to ask twice before Dan stretches up to kiss him. Dan hums against him, tugging at his lip with his teeth and Phil promptly opens his mouth to let Dan explore. He missed this so much; Phil’s hot body against him and strong yet gentle arms around him. He wonders how he managed without this.

Dan juts his hips forward, feeling Phil’s length against his stomach and needing it. Phil hums against Dan’s neck, rocking with him and using the warm water running down them to better the friction. Dan grabs Phil’s ass and presses against him as much as he can, groaning. Dan feels Phil smile into his neck before he’s pressed against the tile wall with a thud, a gasp escaping his lips as Phil takes full control. “Whatever I want?” He teases, not talking about the tattoo anymore.

“Yes.” Dan breathes into Phil’s ear, meaning it completely. He feels comfortable under Phil’s hands, being able to give himself completely and knowing that Phil will treat him right. It’s a feeling he’d never felt before knowing Phil. It simultaneously excited and scared him.

Phil’s hand goes between them, fingers wrapping around both their cocks together and moving up and down. Dan can feel the cool piercings on Phil’s cock against his own and it sends shivers through him. He goes to wrap his arms around Phil, needing to hold on tightly but then remembers his back, instead moving his arms up and gripping his shoulders.

Phil notices, his hand’s pace slowing. “Sorry…” Dan must be put off by his scars, not wanting to touch them.

“For what?” Dan asks, looking up at Phil.

“My back…”

Dan’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, then realize what Phil must be thinking. “Oh, no, I just didn’t want to hurt you. I tend to use my nails.” He smirks.

“I know.” Phil smiles back, worries gone instantly, and comes down to Dan’s neck. Teeth graze Dan’s nape before latching on, making him whimper and thrust into Phil’s hand more, feeling himself rise.

“Fuck, Phil.” Dan moans as Phil quickens his pace again, Phil breathing heavily in his face and adding to the heat of the shower. Dan reaches up and pushes Phil’s matted mess of hair back before pulling him into a sloppy, openmouthed kiss, groaning and tongues going everywhere as Dan continuously jerks his hips in time with Phil’s hand.

Phil pulls away from Dan, resting his forehead to his, eyes piercing. “Mmmmm, gonna come for me?”

Dan whimpers, “God, yes.” It’s the Phil he first met and fucked back at the parlor; aggressive and dirty talking and fuck he thinks this may be his favorite, although next time he knows he’ll say different. At the moment, though, this Phil is the best. “You make me feel so fucking good.”

Phil goes to his neck again, biting hard and Dan cries out, loving the pleasurable pain. Phil’s other hand works its way behind him, playing at his entrance before dipping a finger inside and Dan can tell he’s already close just from this much.

Phil is close as well, the lewd sounds tumbling from Dan’s mouth and echoing throughout the bathroom urging him on. He pushes another finger inside Dan and reaches deep, feeling for just the right spot. Dan almost squeaks into his shoulder, gripping tight and bucking up into him furiously. “Fuck, there, there, right there!” He begs and Phil brushes his finger against it again, earning a gasp and making Dan hitch his leg up on Phil’s hip.

“Phil, I- nnn… I’m gonna…” Dan moans, unable to speak correctly any more.

Phil nods, trying to get out the ‘me, too’ but words are beyond him at this point. It’s only a few more pumps and the quick flick of his finger against Dan’s prostate before Dan comes onto his stomach and Phil’s hand, Phil not far behind, riding out his own finish before letting go of their cocks.

Dan tries to keep standing but his legs are much too tired, letting himself drop to the floor of the shower and catch his breath. Phil sits down with him, tired himself, and kisses his forehead. Dan leans his head back onto the wall and Phil scoops his hands under the stream of water. He splashes it onto Dan’s stomach, trying to wash away some of the cum and making Dan laugh. “Let’s get rewashed up.” He suggests and they do, Phil opting to wash Dan’s hair.

“I feel pampered.” Dan jokes, loving the feeling of Phil’s fingers scrubbing his head.

Phil shrugs. “I don’t know, I just feel like I need to take care of you.”

Dan blushes, “Well… I’m not complaining.”

Phil playfully pushes Dan under the water and Dan rinses out his hair. After they’re both cleaned up they bundle up in towels, Phil telling Dan he’s welcome to use his straightener if he likes, to which he’s very grateful. They both get dressed, Phil only throwing back on his pants, and Dan meets him in the kitchen, Phil grabbing a cookie to snack on and offering Dan one.

“You know, Dan…” Phil says through a mouth of crumbs. “You could stay here instead of… wherever you’ve been staying.”

Dan stares at him, not believing his words. “I- I couldn’t just… move in or whatever… I-“ It’d be a much better situation than sleeping around for a bed or sleeping in his car… Well, until he found whoever stole his car he’d have to have sex with people for a warm night. “I don’t want to impose…”

“I’ve said before, I get lonely…” Phil looks down at his half eaten cookie, “And I can’t rightly let you leave knowing you don’t have some place to go.”

“Well, I did have my car, but… that’s gone right now…” Dan still hasn’t bitten his cookie, not really knowing if he can eat at the moment.

“You’ve slept in your car?” Phil almost sounds outraged. “Alright, it’s settled. You’re staying here.”

Dan wants to try to protest but can’t. He wants to stay. He wants to spend more time with Phil and have an actual home again. He wants stability and love, not stranger’s hands and cold nights. He tries to hold it in but before he can stop himself he’s let a tear fall down his face. Phil steps closer and wraps his arms around him, Dan burying his face into his shoulder after whispering, “Thank you.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan gets out of the bathroom, towel still on his head and humming a slow tune. It’s been the best week of his life so far living with Phil. Never before has he felt more comfortable and safe. It’s the most fun he’s ever had; constantly playing video games until the early hours of the morning, jumping around to blasting music that the neighbors really don’t appreciate as much as they should, and most of all, the sex. Phil and him have been like little rabbits almost every day, finding excuses to touch and tease the crap out of each other. It’s like Dan’s gotten addicted to Phil; his hands the only ones he wants to be touched by and his body the only one he wants to be under. He feels the most himself when he’s in those arms, Phil’s length inside of him and lips trailing down his neck.

Dan pushes the towel off his head to his shoulders and stops in the kitchen, grabbing a drink. After he’s poured himself a glass he pauses, hearing an odd rumbling sound. It seems to be coming from the garage, so he follows it. He hasn’t been in the garage area of the house yet since there was no need for him to be there. He’d called the police about his car being missing but there was no word back on it yet, so the only car in Phil’s garage should be Phil’s.

Dan opens the connecting door to the garage and is met with a wonderful site. Phil is bent over an all-black sports bike; hands revving the throttle and making it purr to life. Dan is stuck in the doorway, admiring how Phil’s long legs hang over either side of the bike, feet firmly planted on the ground and jeans hugging up on him. His back and arms are stretched out to reach the handles, muscles tense.

Phil gives the handle a few more twists before shutting the bike off, pulling out the keys and sitting up. He finally notices Dan standing there and almost jumps. “Dan. I didn’t know you were out of the shower.”

“I just got out.” Dan tells him, stepping into the cool garage and up to the motorcycle. He can smell the exhaust in the air and heat coming off the bike, making him touch the gas tank. “I didn’t know you had a motorcycle.”

“I don’t really take it out.” Phil shrugs, throwing his leg off the bike after putting down the kickstand. “I just start it up once in a while to make sure it’s still working.”

“Why?” Dan exclaims, “We should go for a ride! I’ve never been on one!” he’s always thought motorcycles were awesome but never had the chance to get on one.

“I don’t know, Dan…” Phil rubs the back of his neck, “I haven’t actually ridden in a long time.” He walks over to a tool cabinet on the other side of the garage, dropping the keys inside.

Dan follows him over, grabbing up his shirt and giving him the biggest puppy eyes he can manage. “Pleeaase, Phil?” He begs.

“Dan…” Phil bites his lip, not daring to look down at Dan. He knows if he does he won’t be able to say no to him, no matter how much it’d pain him.

“Come on,” Dan taunts, gesturing to the bike. “How can you let such a gorgeous bike just sit in a dusty garage when it needs to-“ Dan stops, looking at the bike. It looked perfectly fine on the opposite side, but on this side there’s a long scratch mark trailing down the body, paint chipped away to show the bare plastic underneath.

He looks back to Phil, staring off at the garage wall and lips pressed together. Dan lets go of his shirt, “I’m sorry… We don’t have to go for a ride, ok?” Dan tells him, hand finding Phil’s and squeezing hard. “Let’s go inside.”

Phil nods, letting go of Dan’s hand to drape a large sheet over the bike, making sure it’s covered properly. Dan holds the door as Phil passes him and heads inside, Dan taking one more look at the ghostly shape of the motorcycle before closing the door.

~

Dan hasn’t spoken about the motorcycle again, nor has Phil mentioned it. They’re at a sort of truce about it. Phil notices Dan’s eyes traveling to the door of the garage from time to time, biting his lip before going back to whatever he’d been doing. Phil knows Dan is itching to talk about it but is being polite. For that, Phil is grateful. It pains him enough to have to sit on his bike every week or so and having to start it up, giving the engine a jog and breaking off the cobwebs.

He knows he should sell it, that having it sitting under a sheet in the garage isn’t fair to it or to himself. He just can’t let it go, though. Once you’ve had a motorcycle for a long time and worked on it and taken it to so many places you get connected to it. It’s not just a machine anymore, it’s a part of you, you put sweat and sometimes blood into maintaining it and in return it gives you the most freeing feeling in the world. That bike has given him so many good memories, it’s not fair to let one bad one spoil the rest, even if it’s a really bad one. He misses riding, even if the last time turned out terrible.

Phil exits his game, not even paying attention to it anymore and turns of the console, heading for the garage. He opens the door and stops, “Dan, what are you doing out here?”

Dan looks up from the floor next to the bike, dropping the corner of sheet he had lifted. “Um,” He stands up, clasping his hands behind his back, almost to prove he’s not touching anything. “I was just looking at it.”

Phil closes the door behind him, coming over to the bike and pulling off the sheet. He doesn’t say a word, just looks over the cold vehicle that had once been one of his pride and joys. His fingers brush over the scratches, remembering the last day it had seen sun. It’d been like any other ride, Robin’s arms tightly around him and swaying with him and the bike around every curve of the road. They knew the road like the back of each other’s hand, having been on it so many times. Yet, that one time, even though that road was usually clear, a car had to come around a blind spot. Phil tried his best to slow down enough to make the sharp turn, not having the room like usual to take it fast, but it was too late.

He can’t remember much else from that day. Bits of light shining on his face from the trees above and a burning on his back. He couldn’t move enough to take off his helmet and look for Robin. The driver of the car came over to him, saying words he couldn’t understand, not that he cared. He just remembers telling him to go look for Robin for him but the guy didn’t move. The people in the ambulance wouldn’t tell him anything either, which just made him more mad. He was soon made to sleep.

He woke up in the hospital a few days later, a hand in his and everywhere aching. He called for Robin but it was Maddie who answered, squeezing his hand and telling him the words that changed his life. Never before had he cried so hard it literally wracked his whole body, making him ache even more but not caring. Maddie cried with him, holding him as much as she could. None of Robin’s other family came to visit him, which wasn’t all that strange. Her family never liked him ‘influencing her’ even though she hadn’t changed since they day they met.

Once out of the hospital he got a taste of how they really felt about him. Robin’s parents blamed him wholly for the crash that took their daughter; saying that he never should have let her ride on ‘that deathtrap’ in the first place, and in his time of grieving he believed them. He told himself every night that it was his fault; he shouldn’t have been going so fast or he should have tried harder to take the turn and every other excuse he could think of to blame himself. It was his fault that he’d lost the woman he loved.

Maddie was the one, in the end, that got him out of his darkened state of mind. She told him over and over again that there was no way he could have known the car was coming and that he did try his best to stop or move in time. She drilled it into his brain until he finally started to let up on himself. He was still grieving, still in pain, but now he could finally focus on better thoughts of Robin and not just his last day with her. He doesn’t know where he’d be if it weren’t for Maddie. She truly is like a sister to him, and if he’d been able to stay with Robin and marry her like they had planned, she really would be.

Phil looks over to Dan, still standing there looking at the blanche floor as if he’d been scolded. Once Phil and Robin would have been married they wanted to move somewhere else; maybe out in the country with lots of open space and fresh air. He wouldn’t have stayed at the same tattoo parlor, instead have found one closer to where they moved. He never would have met Dan. He never would have gotten to laugh and cry and share a bed with this wonderful young man. Dan would still be out on the streets, homeless and lonely, vulnerable to god knows who out there. He shudders at the thought.

Sighing, he throws a leg over the seat of the bike and kicks up the kickstand. “Hop on.”

Dan looks at him, hesitant. “Are you sure?”

Phil moves his foot back to flip out the passenger foot rests. “I’m not starting it up.” He corrects Dan before he gets his hopes up, “Just get on.”

Dan rests a hand on Phil’s shoulder before placing a foot on the metal bar, boosting himself up and onto the back seat of the bike. He adjust himself, Phil making sure the bike holds still as he shifts. Once done he holds onto the bars on either side of the seat, meant for helmet straps. Phil reaches back and grabs his wrists, pulling him forwards and making him wrap his arms around Phil. Dan’s not sure what to say, so he stays quiet, scooting closer to Phil so his chest and stomach are flush with his back.

Phil leans forward again, gripping the handles tightly and relishing the feeling of Dan against him. Dan’s arms around him makes a wave of nostalgia flow over him, the only difference between now and then is that there’s no bulky helmet against the back of his head.

They stay like that for a moment, Phil reliving a time he almost let fade and Dan just enjoying being close to Phil. Phil sits up, resting his hands on the tank and thinking. “If we did go on a ride… there’s some maintenance I’d have to do first to make sure it’s running properly.”

Dan stiffens up, touching Phil’s arm. “Phil, we don’t have to.”

Phil nods, “I know.” He motion for Dan to get off and he does, Phil setting the bike back on the stand. “I want to, though. Riding on a motorcycle is something I want to share with you.”

Dan smiles wide, instantly excited. “Then I’ll help you get it into shape.” He declares, punching his fist into his hand.

Phil lets out a laugh, “How about I just let you hold the flashlight?”

~

It only takes a few hours to fix up Phil’s motorcycle; they would have done it right away but Phil told him he had to run out and get some parts. Once he came back Dan eagerly watched Phil get to work. There’s just something so hot about watching guys work on machines, getting all hot and sweaty and dirty. Dan got a good laugh after Phil came up from letting the oil drain and he had a black splatter on his cheek. After Phil noticed what Dan had been laughing at he quickly tackled and pinned him down to the hard floor, wiping off the grimy oil and putting some on the giggling Dan’s nose.

After that they finally got down to business, checking the air filter and tire pressure and replacing the sparkplug with the new one Phil bought. Phil did a once over and filled up the tank with fresh gas from a plastic tank, the smell flooding the garage.

“That should do it.” Phil says, wiping his dirty hands on a towel and stepping back.

“It’s ready to go?” Dan jumps up.

Phil holds up a finger to tell him to wait, cleaning up the area and taking care of tools. Once he comes back from washing his hands he gets on the bike, starting it up and letting out a deep sigh. “It sounds so much better now.”

Dan pauses. “I don’t hear a difference.”

Phil smiles, patting the tank in front of him. “I can. You get to know your bike’s sound fairly well and can tell if something’s wrong if it doesn’t sound right.”

Dan crosses his arms. “So,” he looks at Phil, “are you sure you’re ok to take a ride?”

Phil nods, giving the engine a rev. “I think it’s about time I did.” He asks Dan to hit the button to make the garage door go up, walking the bike out into the sun. “I’m going to take it around the block once before I let you get on it, ok?”

Dan acknowledges and watches as Phil stuffs his helmet on, buckling the straps before taking off. It’s not even a minute before Phil is back but he’s positively radiating. Phil flips up the shield on his helmet and Dan can see his eyes alight with pure glee. “Ready?”

“Yes!”

“Grab my other helmet from the shelf.” He instructs, pointing behind Dan.

Dan runs over, grabbing up a matching helmet to Phil’s only red. He hits the garage button again and ducks under it before it closes then puts on the helmet and jumps on the bike. He wraps his arms around Phil tightly, feeling Phil’s heart beating faster than usual. He can tell that even though Phil is a bit excited to be riding again, he’s also nervous. “Hey,” Phil looks back at Dan, “I trust you.”

Phil stares at him for a moment before touching Dan’s hand, giving it a squeeze then looking forward again. Phil twists the handle one more time before kicking off, turning out of the driveway and onto the road.

They take it easy at first, Phil almost going under the speed limit and not bothering to go around cars. Even with the cautiousness, Dan enjoys the ride; the rumbling of the bike underneath him and the warmth of Phil’s body against him is nice. He has to stop himself from closing his eyes and being taken away by the calm.

Phil finally takes them out of the back street suburbs and on to a busier road, passing shops and office buildings. At a stop light Phil sits up a moment, hand going to Dan’s arm to grab his attention. “What do you think so far?”

“It’s nice.” Dan grins, “I wouldn’t mind going a little faster, though. That is, if you want to.”

Phil nods, leaning back down and taking off once the light changes. Phil takes the main road to the edge of town and turns onto the highway, picking up speed. There aren’t many cars on this side of the road, so he’s able to really tear down it, making the wind whip past Dan’s ears even through the helmet. He hugs Phil a little tighter, the air flying past him making him cold even though it’s fairly warm outside. He doesn’t mind that his arms and legs feel a bit numb and that he can’t hear much. It kind of makes it better, his senses being taken over and leaving him in a bubble world that only contains himself, Phil, and the bike.

They start to meet cars on the highway and Phil slows down slightly, swerving around them carefully and continuing on their way. Phil hasn’t told him where they’re going, if there even is a destination, but he doesn’t mind. He’d probably go anywhere as long as it’s with him.

Phil turns off the highway and up a hill, passing a rest stop and slowly stopping the bike at the edge of a parking lot. “What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see.” They lock their helmets onto the bike and Dan follows Phil towards some woods, a trail weaving through them. The trail starts to get steep and Dan reaches for Phil’s hand, not trusting his own footing to keep him upright. They make it to the top in one piece, Phil pulling Dan towards the edge of what Dan thought was a hill but turns out to be a sort of cliff, a clear view over the downtown area of the city before them.

“This is amazing.” Dan sits down beside Phil, legs crossed and admiring the view. The sun is quickly setting, sending rays of light in between tall buildings.

“I used to come here a lot.” Phil picks at the grass, twirling it in his fingers.

“With Robin?” Dan wonders.

Phil nods. “I wasn’t going to say, but yeah.”

“It’s ok to talk about her with me, you know.”

Phil shrugs. “I feel awkward talking about someone I used to love with… my current partner.”

Dan’s heart skips a moment, the pause almost sounding like Phil wanted to say something different. “I like hearing stories from you; and stories about stuff that you and Robin shared always sound nice.” Dan nudges Phil with his elbow. “It’s also flattering that you’re now sharing these things with me.”

Phil breathes a laugh through his nose, tearing the grass up. “It is nice being able to share my thoughts with someone again. I missed it.”

The final rays of sun hide behind the horizon, leaving the twinkling lights of the city below them to stand out. Dan feels like he could share his thoughts with Phil, too, but it’s almost as if he can’t. Every time he thinks he’s ready to or the timing seems right he’s just not able to open his mouth and say them. It’s like the words themselves are cowering in his throat, afraid of judgment.

Dan brings his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them and wrapping his arms around his legs. “Phil?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever…” Dan tries to think of how to put his feelings into words, “Have you ever wanted to tell someone something really bad but not been able to? Like, you physically couldn’t?”

Phil thinks for a moment. “I think I probably have. It’s like it gets stuck in your chest or like you’ve suddenly become mute.”

Dan nods, “And it almost hurts having it sit there but you’re afraid that if you finally let it out it may hurt even more so you just deal with the pain.”

Phil scoots closer to him, draping an arm around him and rubbing his back. “Sometimes you just have to fight through the pain and hopefully it will actually make you feel better once it’s over.”

Dan buries his face in his knees, feeling his eyes well up and his chest fluttering. He needs to tell someone. He needs it to not be a secret anymore. It feels like it’s killing him. He comes up for air, taking a deep breath before spilling everything to Phil.

He’d grown up most of his life without a dad, his parents divorcing just a few years after he was born. Sure, he used to visit a few times a year when he was younger, but that stopped when he was around ten. It didn’t really bother him, really. He was an independent person and his mum understood that. She let him do anything he wanted as long as he didn’t get into trouble.

That is, until he showed up. His mum met him somewhere and started dating him out of the blue. Dan didn’t mind his mum starting to date other people, so he didn’t think much of it, but the guy was pretty boring and tried a little too hard to get on good terms with him when he just didn’t care. Everything seemed to be going fine.

Then the man moved in with them. Soon after that, they got engaged, and the silver ring the man sported wasn’t the only thing he had wrapped around his finger. His mum was so infatuated with him she’d almost spoiled him, doing whatever he asked and not thinking twice. Dan asked her why she’d gotten that way and she simply told him that she was in love and that’s what you do when you’re in love. He’d told her that he’d never be like that; blinding attaching himself to someone.

That night, his soon to be step-dad came into his room, telling him that his mum would be working a later shift tonight. Dan acknowledged him and hoped that he’d leave so he could get back to his game but instead his step-dad sat down on his bed, asking him about his conversation with his mum from before. He just shrugged, not thinking anything of it, but his step-dad wasn’t having it.

He grabbed Dan and pinned him down to the bed, growling at him to never say those things to his mum again and that he should stay out of their business. Dan tried to get him off but couldn’t, shouting at him to let him go and that he didn’t do anything wrong.

The man flipped him over and crawled on top of him, pushing his face into the bed and making it hard to breathe. He said that he could do anything he wanted because his mum loved him more than she did Dan. He said that he made her happy and that Dan only reminded her of her spoiled relationship with his dad. In that moment of panic and fear he believed him, and the thought stuck. Was it Dan’s fault that his parents divorced in the first place? Did this new man in his mum’s life mean more to her than he did?

He suddenly felt hands at his sides, tugging at his pants. He tried again to get up but the man grabbed up his wrists and pinned them down, continuing. The pain he felt soon after has never left his mind, the mask of deception this man put up for his mum was now off and showing the ugliness underneath. He’d never felt like such a fool before.

When the man was finished with him he told him to keep quiet about it; otherwise it’d happen again. He didn’t want to hurt his poor mum’s feelings and ruin her new love life, did he? Not that she’d believe him anyway.

This went on for years after they finally got married and the man officially got the title of step-dad. There was never a hint or sign of what was going on, so on the outside they looked like a perfectly functioning family.

High school came and Dan started ‘acting out’, going to parties with friends and drinking. He needed to have as much fun as he could and drink until his mind forgot about what went on at home. The nights with his stepdad steadily got worse. That’s when he got his first tattoo, the trails of tribal designs on his hips. He’d waited until the bruises there had faded then asked his friend, who was only apprenticing a real tattoo artist at the time, to do them. He needed to etch pain into his skin, almost re-christening that part of his body as his own, making the dirty spot pretty again. He needed to reclaim it.

He continued to get more tattoos, using all the money from his messily job and going to his friend or cheap shops in order to get them. He was determined to be in control of his own body again. He was tired of being manipulated and used by his step-dad and was finally going to put his game to an end.

The next night his step-dad was in his room he fought back again, fighting through the pain of the grip on his raw arms and swinging towards his face, punching the man in the nose. He fell off of Dan, holding his face for a moment before springing back. Hands grabbed his neck, thumbs pressing into his adam’s apple and choking. He kicked and tried to pry the fingers away from his neck, his vision blackening around the edges.

That’s when his mum came home. The door shut and they both stopped their struggling, his step-dad getting up and running to the living room. Before Dan could regain his breath he could hear his step-dad regaling to his mum about how he had caught Dan stealing money from him and had punched him in the nose. Dan finally made it to the living room and tried to explain that that wasn’t what happened at all and about what had really been going on but his mum was furious. She started yelling about how bad he’d been getting and that he had probably been stealing money to fuel his tattoo addiction.

The look on his step-dad’s face was a look of triumph, and he knew that there was no more use in trying to prove his innocence. He let his mum have her yell before she finally said the words that rung in his ears; ‘get out’. He packed up his most treasured possessions and stuffed them into his car, glancing at his mum one more time before driving off, spending his first night on his own in a parking lot.

He realized soon that he needed a place to stay, his friends letting him stay a few nights at a time but he couldn’t keep it up knowing he was mooching off their food with no good income to pay them back. He spent a few more nights in his car before he hit up a bar, needing a drink. That’s when he first got hit on. Dan had shivered at the thought of being touched by someone again so soon after his ordeal, but when he realized the man would take him back to his place where there was a comfy bed and maybe food he could have it soon became a routine. Go to work, change into street clothes in the bathroom there afterwards, go to a club or bar later that night, flirt around until someone took the bait, have sex back at their place, sleep comfortably, wake up and use their shower and get breakfast, then repeat. It was a living.

Then he stupidly had to have a rough night with a man who held him down by his chest, legs bent how they shouldn’t be and treating him like a plaything more-so than usual. It reminded him too much of his time back at his mums and he felt the need to get scarred up again. He needed pain that was his doing and his choice, not that someone else inflicted on him unwillingly. He dug through his car to find his book of poems and quotes, finding the perfect one and calling an actual tattoo parlor to treat himself. Then he met Phil.

Phil holds the shaking Dan in his arms, hearing every word of his story without interruption. He never would have guessed that Dan had gone through all of that. He thought he was a brat at first, wanting his way, when in reality he was just trying to control his life and find some kind of happiness in it.

“Dan, what you went through was terrible.” Phil whispers next to his ear, petting his hair. “I’m so proud of you for sticking up for yourself and fighting back like you did.”

“I j-just couldn’t do it anymore.” Dan cries into his shoulder, “I couldn’t take the pain.”

“I know.” Phil pulls back, thumb wiping away a tear. “And I think the quote you picked was perfect. It’s up to you to choose how you live your life and to have complete control over it. No one should tell you what to do or manipulate you, especially in a way that is painful.”

Dan sniffs, “I’m glad I had you do my tattoo.” He admits, “You’re so strong, it gives the quote even more power for me.”

Phil kisses Dan’s head, hugging him tightly. He can’t change Dan’s past, or even make him forget about it, but he can help Dan change his future. He wants Dan to become even stronger, a person that can go back to his mum one day and say ‘this is the man that monster tried to keep down, but I didn’t let it’. And he wants to be right there by Dan’s side when he says it, supporting him and watching as he overcomes his fears. He wants Dan to be able to feel love just like he does.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan hears the garage door open and shut and he pauses his game to greet Phil. “Hey there.” He smirks, grabbing up Phil’s face and planting a kiss on his lips. Once he pulls back Phil reaches up and he’s tapped on the head with something. “Ow, what was that for?”

Phil sighs, waving a piece of cardboard in front of his face. “This is all your fault.”

“What is?”

Phil hands Dan the piece of cardboard and he sees that it’s actually a toy package from a pound store, a set of toy handcuffs inside and a picture of a cartoon police man on the front. “Maddie came by to visit me at the shop yesterday asking me how you were and how things are going and the guys over heard. When I got there this morning, this was in my booth and I could hear them snickering at me.”

Dan smiles, looking down at the package. “Well, they could have at least gotten real ones; these look like they’d break in a second.”

Phil grabs up the cuffs again and taps Dan on the head once more. “Now I’ll have the guys teasing me around every corner.” Phil hides a smile behind an angry frown. “How’d I ever deserve this?”

“Oh, you love it.” Dan wraps his arms around Phil’s neck, going in for more kisses.

“Ha, well maybe I should get some use out of these cuffs.” His smile finally poking through, “A little compensation for having to deal with the teasing because I’m with you.”

Dan pauses, letting his hands fall to Phil’s chest. “Um, you mean on me?”

Phil sees Dan’s face fall and he takes a step back. “Not if you don’t want to.” He assures. It hadn’t occurred to him that Dan wouldn’t like something like that, he’s usually up for anything, but he supposes with his past he wouldn’t like the lack of control. He places a kiss on Dan’s forehead, immediately switching from his flirty side back to his usually calm and loving self. “I can just toss them out.”

“No, I just…” Dan looks down at his feet for a moment, not sure how to word how he feels. If Phil wants to keep them he doesn’t want to say no, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle being so… detained like that.

“How about you use them on me?” Phil suggests, smirk back on his face and a chill runs down Dan’s spine. “You can have me however you want and I won’t be able to stop you. You’d be in total control.”

“Mmmm.” Dan comes in close to Phil again, pressing against him. “Now that sounds like fun.”

Phil comes in for his lips again, kissing hungrily and tugging at Dan’s waist. They stay like that for a while, Phil leaning back into the wall as Dan grinds up against him. Phil breaks away from Dan’s lips to move down to his neck, sucking hard and making Dan moan deep in his throat. Phil reaches down and grabs Dan’s thigh, hoisting it up onto his hip and Dan is grateful for the better angle. He tugs at Phil’s shirt and he quickly pulls it off, tossing it in the direction of the couch. Phil moves away from the wall and pushes Dan towards the bedroom.

They enter and Dan pulls his clothes off as well, abandoning shirt and jeans by the door and jumping onto the bed. Phil tosses the package of handcuffs onto the nightstand and presses a knee onto the mattress, crawling on top of Dan and looking down at him. His hand goes to Dan’s face, thumb gently brushing of his cheek. “God, you’re gorgeous.”

Dan looks away, face heating and holding back a smile. “Shut up.”

Phil smirks and kisses Dan’s nose before claiming his lips again, tongue pressing into his mouth as his hand now finds Dan’s waist. His finger comes to the line of Dan’s underwear but Dan catches his hand, leaning up and with some force successfully pushes himself on top of Phil. “I thought I was going to be in control this time?”

Phil chuckles and brings his hands behind his head. “Fine then. Do what you want with me.”

Dan eyes the handcuffs on the table and grabs them, tearing open the flimsy cardboard and inspecting the toy. “They don’t even come with an actual key, you just press this button here to unlock it. Lame.”

“Do you want to use them or not?” Phil asks.

Dan gives Phil a glare before grabbing his arm, pulling his hand out from under his head and latching the cuff around his wrist. Phil has to scoot up the bed a little more before Dan can link the cuff through the bars on the headboard, then finishes with securing the other cuff around Phil’s other wrist. “There,” Dan sits up on Phil’s lap to admire his work, “Now I can tease you however I want.”

Phil shifts his hips against Dan’s ass, rubbing up and letting out a soft moan. “Are you going to make me beg?”

Dan laughs through his nose. “Maybe.” His hands go to Phil’s jeans, undoing them and shimmying them and his boxers down his legs and onto the floor. Phil’s length lies flat against his stomach, piercings gleaming and begging for Dan to touch them. He takes Phil in hand, barely squeezing as his hand works up and down, once in a while taking a metal ball between his fingers and twisting slightly. Phil closes his eyes and sighs, a hum coming from his lips. Dan smirks at how easily he can make Phil make noises, teasing a bit more as his thumb grazes over his slit.

Dan quickens his pace for a bit then stops, Phil letting out a held breath. Dan moves and swings his leg over Phil so that he’s straddling him backwards, knees up near Phil’s chest. He looks back at Phil and he can see him licking his lips in anticipation. After making sure he’s propped up well he comes down to Phil’s cock, licking at the precum dripping from the tip. The taste urges him on and he begins to suck lightly, lips engulfing the head as his hand holds him in place. Phil moans softly behind him and as he starts to bring more and more into his mouth he feels Phil’s hot breath near his ass, almost making his knees buckle.

“Dan, c-can you put a pillow under my head?” Phil asks and Dan comes off of him with a pop, leaning up and twisting around to reach for a pillow, helping Phil lift his head and set the pillow underneath. Dan turns back to his work on Phil’s dick and he once again feels Phil’s breath on the back his upper thigh and ass, followed by the wet touch of his tongue. Dan holds back a gasp and tries to keep concentration as Phil continues his licks and nibbles at his thigh and ass, getting closer and closer to his entrance. Dan quicken his hand as Phil’s touch draws closer until a single lick to his asshole makes him whimper and have to pull off before he accidentally bites him or something. His hand continues as his breathing deepens, Phil’s tongue prodding as deep as he can.

After a few moments Dan has had enough and reaches over to the nightstand, pulling it open and searching for the lube. He finds it and opens it up, squirting a little onto his fingers and rolling it around. He sets the lube down and goes back to his former position, taking Phil’s cock back into his mouth as his fingers rub at his entrance. Phil bites his lip and watches as Dan slips a finger into himself, pressing deep and breathing hard through his nose. Phil nibbles at Dan’s ass cheek again as Dan busies himself with his fingers, now pressing another one in and moving just a bit faster.

“Stretch yourself for me, babe.” Phil urges, licking right next to Dan’s fingers. Dan moans around Phil as his fingers scissor apart, lewd, slick sounds filling the room. Phil once again licks at Dan’s fingers and pushes his tongue between them, licking at his walls, Dan’s arm that’s keeping him up straining.

Dan decides he’s stretched enough because he can’t wait any longer, climbing off of Phil and reaching for the lube again, squirting some onto his fingers. He spreads the thick liquid over Phil’s cock, throwing a leg over his lap and lining up. His free hand trails down Phil’s stomach, Phil arching up into the touch and shivering.

“Mmmm, come on, Dan.” Phil’s hips move upwards, the tip of his dick pushing against Dan but Dan lifts up, pulling away.

Dan wags a finger at Phil. “That’s not how you beg.” He comes down once again, rubbing Phil’s cock at his entrance but not pushing in just yet.

Phil lets out a chuckle. “I’m not really good at that sort of thing.” He says, but stops his thrusts. He catches Dan’s eyes, half-lidded and deep. “On the other hand, I’ve heard you cry out for me several times.”

“Not tonight.” Dan smirks, admittedly torturing himself by having Phil’s dick so close but not inside him. He wants to hear Phil say it, though. He wants to know that Phil wants him just as desperately as he does. “Tonight, I want you pleading for me. I want you to cry out my name so loud the neighbors hear.”

Phil moans out a heavy breath, arms tensing against his restraints. “Pleading, huh?” Dan nods, barely pressing down into Phil. “How about a ‘pretty please’?”

“You know what I want.” Dan’s legs begin to shake having held his weight up for too long. He leans down, bracing himself up on his hand. “And I know what you want.”

Phil rolls his eyes but Dan doesn’t see. Dan is always wanting him to be so straight forward. He should know by now that he’s not used to being that way, but he guesses Dan will never change. “You mean my thick cock in your hot ass?” Phil growls.

Dan bites his lip, letting out a breath as he moves down onto Phil, his dick finally pushing into Dan and feeling fucking amazing. “Go on.”

“I want to pound deep inside you until you cum all over the sheets, a sweaty mess.” Phil lifts his hips and pushes into Dan more, Dan holding back a gasp. “I want to make you a trembling mess under my hands, desperate for friction and moaning my name.”

By the time he sinks down to Phil’s base Dan is practically aching to be fucked. He lets his legs rest a moment as he adjusts himself, wanting to move right away but he’s learned before that it sucks hurting later. “Anything else?” Dan huffs, sitting up and giving his throbbing length the touch he needs.

Phil looks off to the side in thought, then shrugs. “Nope, that’s it.” He grins. Dan’s smug face falls and Phil has to hold back a laugh. He loves when Dan gets frustrated with him; he makes the cutest faces.

Dan stops touching himself and crosses his arms. “Fine, then I won’t move until you think of something else.”

“Oh, really?” Phil tries bucking up into Dan but Dan’s got him held down tight, barely feeling himself move against him.

“Really.” Dan’s hand goes back to his cock and begins to pump it slowly, smugness crawling back onto his face. “I can stay like this and cum all I want, but until you admit just how much you need me, I’m not moving an inch.”

Phil’s already given in to Dan’s games, it should have been enough. He just wants to get on with things and fuck Dan already, but Dan’s resorting back to his difficult self. “Don’t make me make you move.” Phil’s deep voice carries around the room.

Dan feels a shudder down his spine but holds his ground. “I’d like to see you try.”

Phil takes one glance up at the cuffs around his wrist before taking hold of the flimsy links between them and pulling. It only takes a second for them to snap like a twig and Phil’s hands are free. He quickly sits up and Dan gasps as Phil’s arms wrap around him, flipping him around and making Phil on top. Phil eyes pierce into him, but they’re not angry, only lustful. “I shouldn’t have to tell you how much I need you,” Phil grunts, “You should know by now. I always need you.”

Dan stares up at him, speechless. He supposes Phil breaking the cuffs just so he’s able to move just shows how much he does need him. He’ll write it down as a victory for now, although it’s not quite what he wanted. Phil pulls out and slams into him, forcing out another gasp from Dan’s lungs. Phil’s thrusts are rough and demanding, but his arms around Dan arm warm and gentle. Phil’s mouth comes down to Dan’s all most forces his tongue inside, pining for a taste.

After a particularly deep thrust Dan has to break away, needing air. Phil’s lips move to his chin, jaw, and neck, leaving a hot trail of pecks. Dan wants to make him stop, but another part of him wants Phil to never stop, instead holding onto him tighter and letting his nails dig into his arms. “Stupid c-cheap toy.” He mutters.

Phil laughs next to his ear, “Did you really think it could hold me for long?”

Dan turns his head to nibble at Phil’s ear. “I’d hoped.”

Phil sits up, looking down at Dan as his hands stroke down his thighs. “You really think I could go without touching you when you look so gorgeous like this?” Phil snakes his hands under Dan’s knees, lifting them as he comes back down close to Dan, pressing them up near his chest. “When I see you panting and whining for my cock all I want to do is give it all to you. I want to touch you in all the places that make you hot and bothered until you can’t think of anything else but me.”

Dan gulps down a whimper before Phil starts pounding into him again, even deeper now and making Dan draw closer and closer to the edge. He hadn’t really understood just how much Phil really needed him up until this point. He’d basically had to convince Phil to be with him, so he thought his feeling for Phil were stronger than what Phil felt for him. Maybe he’s wrong.

“God, you’re so damn tight.” Phil whispers, one hand now gripping Dan’s ass and losing some of his rhythm. He’s close, and so is Dan.

“Fuck, Phil…” Dan’s fists clenches the sheets as his other hand moves between them, pumping his cock, in need of release.

“Dan, I’m- hnnn.” Phil pushes in deep, long thrusts turning into spastic jerks as he cums. Dan chokes back a moan as he cums onto his stomach, hand trembling as he works himself through it. After a moment of catching their breaths Phil slowly pulls out and falls to the side, craning his neck and reaching for the box of tissues on the nightstand.

As Phil hands him a tissue, Dan looks at the cuffs still around Phil’s wrists and chuckles. “You know, you didn’t have to break them. You could have just pushed the button on the side.”

“My way was more dramatic.” Phil points out.

“Well, now we can’t use them again.” After cleaning himself off, Dan sits up with a groan, tossing the tissue into the waste basket in the corner.

“I wasn’t a fan of them anyway.” Phil shrugs, patting Dan’s leg. “By the way, it’s your turn to make dinner.”

Dan lets out a childish whine. “I don’t feel like making dinner. Pizza? I’ll buy.”

“I suppose, lazy bum.” Phil gets up and throws his clothes back on, tossing Dan his. “Also, Mortal Kombat.”

“You like my bum.” Dan tosses his pants at Phil’s head, only putting back on his shirt and boxers.

“Yes, I do.” Phil comes back over to the bed and presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead. Before pulling away, Dan feels a smirk draw onto Phil’s lips and before he knows it Phil pushes him down onto the bed. “I call first player!” Phil runs out of the room to claim his spot in the game, leaving Dan scrambling to get back up and chase after him.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

Dan wraps his arms around himself, his sides hurting from all the laughter he’s done in the past hour. Who knew Phil used to be such a troublemaker back when he was in his band? Getting into fights at bars, getting the cops called on them for gorilla performances on the street, even spray painting their band logo on the side of a building. Thank goodness Maddie’s willing to regale some of his stories, Phil seeming embarrassed by them. He’s glad he got to learn more about the old Phil. Who knows what would have happened if Dan had met him back then instead of now? He probably would have been one of Phil’s biggest fans and partners in crime.

“I miss hearing you play!” Maddie hops on the couch, full of energy from the sugary snacks she brought with her. “You should play something for us.”

Phil shrugs her off. “I don’t know… It’s been too long since I’ve performed in front of anybody.”

“But I’ve never heard you play.” Dan reminds him, admittedly really wanting to hear him. He’s wanted to see Phil play his guitar ever since he mentioned it during their first trip to the bar.

“You can just do your acoustic,” Maddie suggests, “you don’t have to play some sick riffs or anything.”

“Fine, fine.” Phil waves, getting up off the couch and heading over to where his guitars sat in the corner of the room. He picks up the acoustic and sits back down on the arm rest, throwing the strap over his head and messing with the cords. “What should I play?”

“Surprise us.” Maddie says, throwing another handful of candy in her mouth.

Phil thinks for a moment, hand resting on the wood of the guitar. “Alright, I’ve got it.” He glances once at Dan before pressing the pick to the strings, beginning to play.

It only takes a few notes for Dan to recognize the song, and once he does he has to fight back a smile. He leans back on the couch and closes his eyes, listening to the light strumming of the familiar song and waiting for the chorus to come.

When Phil reaches it, Dan takes a deep breath and lets himself bring the lyrics to mind and voice. “I text a postcard sent to you, did it go through? Sending all my love to you.” He taps his foot with the beat, the song taking him away for a moment. Phil’s playing is spot on, Dan almost preferring it to the original. “You are the moonlight of my life every night, giving all my love to you.”

He opens his eyes to see Maddie swaying back and forth, enjoying the song just as much as he is. He looks over to Phil and finds him staring back, eyes almost serious but he guesses it’s the concentration on his playing. “My beating heart belongs to you. I walked for miles ‘til I found you.” Dan swears he sees Phil’s mouth twitch at a smile, and feels his own lips beginning to curl up. “I’m here to honor you. If I lose everything in the fire, I’m sending all my love to you.”

Phil continues playing the song, Dan singing in tune with him all the way. It’s almost magical how Phil looks while playing. His fingers effortlessly glide over the neck of the guitar. He even bites his lip when it comes to the solo part of the song, making Dan smile more. He’s so gorgeous playing like this; he can’t imagine how he’d look under stage lights.

Phil finishes the song and Dan and Maddie both clap and whistle, making his face redden. He clears his throat and gets up to put the guitar away, settling back down next to Dan and wrapping an arm behind him. “There, I entertained you.” He huffs, but he doesn’t seem all that annoyed.

“You know, you could get the band back together again.” Maddie nudges Phil.

Phil shakes his head, “Like I have the time.” With all the hours he puts in at the parlor there wouldn’t be time around sleeping, eating, relaxing, and spending time with Dan to even think of starting a band again. There’s practices and gigs he’d have to work around his work schedule that he just doesn’t want to hassle with.

“Too bad.” Dan shrugs, patting Phil’s leg. “I wouldn’t mind seeing you all crazy like you used to be.”

“I’ve grown up since then.” Phil turns down Dan’s image of him, “I’m not as reckless.”

Which is good, Dan supposes. He likes how Phil is now; responsible and mature. It’s quite the opposite of himself most times. It helps balance Dan out and have someone stable to hold onto in his hectic life, though it’s a lot calmer than it used to be. It’s crazy how much his life has changed in merely a few months’ time. Not long ago he was in stranger’s beds, drifting day to day and not really caring about the future. Then he met Phil and soon moved in with him even though they still had so much to learn about each other. Phil’s generosity and understanding is more than Dan could have ever asked for.

“I think we need a snack run.” Maddie interrupts Dan’s thoughts.

“Yeah, I could go for some more crisps.” Phil agrees, standing up and turning to Dan. “You coming?”

Dan nods and they all get into Phil’s car, singing down the road to the nearest store. Once there they decide to split up to grab their own snacks and meet back near the front of the store. Dan heads straight for the candy aisle, hoping to find some sour gummy snacks. He can’t get the song Phil played out of his head, once again holding back a smile as he hums the tune while walking.

He spots the gummies he wants and quickly grabs them, continuing down the aisle to the back of the store. He’s pretty sure Phil’s near the liquor section, having talked about wanting drinks earlier today.

Dan rounds the corner to the liquor aisle and stops, feet grinding to a halt with a squeak of his shoes. This is still real life, right? He was just at Phil’s house and then they headed for the store. He can’t be dreaming; but none the less a part of his deepest nightmares is standing not a few meters away, looking down at a bottle of Jack. He wants to turn around and run, or at least hide around the corner but no matter how much he screams at himself he can’t move a muscle. All he can do is stare, his fingers crushing the snacks in his hand.

The monster sets the bottle down in his basket and turns towards Dan, starting to walk his way before spotting him and stopping. There’s a moment where neither of them move, his stepdad eyeing him up and down with a look he can’t decipher as Dan tries his hardest to stop trembling. Eventually, a smirk draws across his stepdad’s face, all too familiar. “Never thought I’d see you again.”

“I-“ Dan barely breathes out, his chest tight. Why can’t he move? Every fiber of his being wants to run as far away as he can from this man but he’s shaking too damn much. “I didn’t-“

“You know, I heard the strangest story from one of my good friends from work,” He steps a little closer to Dan, one hand now in his pocket like this is the most casual of conversations. “Talking ’bout a young man he hooked up with at a bar; pretty little face and loads of tattoos. Wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” He chuckles.

Dan manages to shake his head no, but wonders just which man he could be talking about. There were so many… “I don’t know what you’re t-talking about.”

“I hope not,” The distance between them grows smaller, his stepdad’s mumbles barely audible but just as terrorizing. “It’d be a shame for your mother to find about you whoring around town; though I’m not surprised.” He laughs through his nose, “I knew you’d always loved those nights we shared, Daniel. You stopped fighting back after all; except that last time.” His eyes grow dark, smirk leaving his face. “You actually managed to break my nose; had to go get it fixed.” Dan wants to curl in on himself; he can almost feel the clammy hands on him, gripping too tight and bruising. “I should make you pay for that, shouldn’t I? Just like I used to.”

Dan gulps and shakes his head again, tears threatening to spill at any moment.

“Dan, there you are.” A much gentler voice rings out behind him but he can’t move, can’t look. He’s still trapped under his stepdad’s gaze, until he breaks away from Dan to look behind him. Dan musters up every bit of strength he can and bolts towards Phil, dropping his candy and grabbing his sleeve. “Dan, wha-“ Dan pulls him along and Phil follows.

As Dan heads for the exit they see Maddie, munching on a bag of Twizzlers before she’s even paid for it. Phil tries to make Dan stop, wanting an explanation for all their running, but when Dan turns around and Phil sees his face he thinks it’s best to shut up for now. He quickly passes the food he’s carrying to Maddie, apologizing as he continues to let himself be dragged away, leaving Maddie bewildered.

Dan shoves the door open and heads for the car, finally stopping and leaning against it while they both catch their breath. Dan rests his head on the cool roof, his brain buzzing and body numb. He’d faced his worst nightmare and gotten away unharmed; but it feels far from over. What if his stepdad does tell his mother about him? Would she care? Would she call him? Or would she brush it aside and go back to her life with that monster?

“Dan,” Phil touches his arm and he flinches, the gesture somewhat bringing him back to earth. “What’s going on? What’s wrong?”

Dan glances back to the store entrance before looking at Phil. “My- my stepdad.”

Phil looks confused for a moment, then slowly, begins to look angry. Phil grabs Dan’s arm and pulls him away from the car. “Show me.”

“Wha- No!” Dan pushes Phil’s hand off his arm and takes a step back, hand blindly searching for the door handle before gripping it tightly. “I’m not going back in there!”

“Dan, show me where that son of a bitch is right now.” Phil growls, pointing behind him. “I’m going to tear him a new one for what he did to you.”

Dan clamps his eyes shut, shaking his head. “No, I can’t go back. Don’t make me go back.” He hears the crack in his own voice before he feels the first tear fall. Once the levee breaks he can’t stop. “I can’t look at him, I can’t face him, I don’t want to be near him! He makes me feel dirty again and sick and I just can’t go back there, please don’t make me.”

Phil pulls him into his chest where Dan buries his face, crying quite loudly now right in the middle of the car park, but he couldn’t care less. He never wants to leave Phil’s side again; the only place in the world he feels 100% safe. If he leaves Phil again, who knows what may happen? He ran into his stepdad at a regular old grocery store. This town is so small, who knows where he could meet him next? It’d never occurred to him before how easily it could happen. It makes him want to become a hermit. But… maybe one day, if it happens again and Phil is by his side, he could face his monster with not-so trembling hands. He could look his stepdad in the face and tell him exactly how he feels and regain some of his pride. With Phil, he feels like he could do anything. Today, however, isn’t that day.

“…ve you.”

Dan freezes, Phil pulling away so his face isn’t in Dan’s shoulder. “…what?”

Phil’s hand comes to Dan’s face, thumb brushing over his cheek and wiping away some of the tears. “I love you.” Phil repeats, and Dan is sure that his heart has stopped by now. “No matter what happened in your past and no matter what happens in the future, I love you. You’ll be able to face your stepdad when you’re ready, and I’ll be there to help.”

Phil loves him. He loves him; he actually said it. Dan wishes those words made him happy like they should, but they only instill fear. He could feel those exact same words on the tip of his tongue, but he fights to keep them in.

“That’s what you do when you’re in love, sweetie. That special person makes you feel happy all the time and you want to be with them as much as possible.”

“But… what about doing your own thing, mom? You used to do scrapbooking and go out on weekends with your friends; now you just spend every night with him.”

“Because I like spending time with him. He makes me the happiest I’ve ever been since your father left. Don’t you want me to be happy?”

“Of course, it’s just… It seems scary. You’ve changed a lot.”

“Love changes you sometimes. It’s a good thing.”

“I like how I am now. I don’t think I’d ever fall in love with someone so much that I’d follow them around blindly or do whatever they say. I’m my own person.”

“Oh, Danny… You’ll understand when you’re older.”

He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want to be his mom. He doesn’t want to fall in love with someone so much that he loses sight of himself; but it’s too late. He’s beyond the tipping point and it scares him so much his head hurts. He breaks away from Phil and takes a step back. “I- I have to go.”

Phil is stunned into silence before trying to reach out to Dan, only to be brushed away. “Dan,”

“I’m sorry, I just-“ He can’t look at Phil. He doesn’t dare see his hurt expression or he’ll lose his nerve. “I have to go.”

“Go where?!” Dan has already turned around and started walking away, footsteps echoing into the darkness between the street lamps. “Dan!” Phil calls, but no answer. His fists clench before his foot kicks the wheel of his car hard, ignoring the pain that shoots up his foot. Had he, of all people, said it too soon? How could he have said that at a time like this? He’s so fucking stupid.

“Phil?” Maddie finds him a few minutes later, still standing next to his car and staring off into the distance that Dan disappeared into. “Where’s Dan?”

“Give me a cigarette.” Phil holds out his hand towards her.

“Phil, you haven’t smoked in years. You said they’re bad for you.” She laughs, though that never stopped Maddie from smoking them.

“I don’t care, just gimme one.” Phil gives her a look that makes her smile drop, digging into her purse for a pack and even lighting it before handing it to him. He takes a drag from it like it was just yesterday and lets the smoke drift up into the light above them, “Besides, I’m not one to make the best decisions anyway.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

The passing cars and drizzling rain that started up an hour ago hasn’t fazed Dan. He’s found himself walking along the streets like this many a time before, or driving when he had his car. He wishes he had his car again; he’d be able to get himself out of this place and far away. Where? Who knows; all he knows is this town holds all of his problems and he’s tired of being under its thumb.

He’d told himself he’d never end up like his mother, doe-eyed and in love with someone, but that’s exactly what’s happened without him even realizing. He’s lived with Phil for months now, the man becoming a bigger part of his life than he ever intended. He was stupid to have started liking him in the first place. As soon as he realized his feelings he should have turned his back and left, not pursued Phil like he did. And for what? A place to stay and a good fuck?

No… No matter how hard he tries Dan can’t think so little of Phil. Phil is… He’s the best thing that’s happened in his life. At first he was just a nice change of pace, a cool new guy that he was actually really attracted to that he could fuck just for fun, not with some ulterior motive. He was mature and stoic, the complete opposite of Dan which made it all the more fun to play with him.

It was only too late that Dan came to the conclusion that he had actual feelings for Phil. It was beyond just liking him or being attracted to him. When he woke up that morning on Phil’s couch with his arms wrapped around him, he’d felt more safe and cared for than he ever had been. He never wanted to leave those arms, leave that man, and looking back on it that’s when he should have gotten up and walked right out that door and never looked back.

Dan gives his tired feet a break, resting on a swing in the middle of a sad excuse for a park. It’s only play equipment is the swing set he’s sitting on and a rusty slide, making it feel even lonelier. The creaking of the swings rings out as he gently pushes himself back and forwards, feet not even leaving the ground. Back in elementary school he’d always be the one jumping off the swings when it was at maximum height; now the thought of it makes his stomach turn.

Where is he going to spend the night? He shouldn’t have run off like that without a clear plan. It’s just like him to act before thinking. He should have stayed with Phil and talked things out like an adult, not stormed off like a child. Even if he wanted to go back now, it’d be too embarrassing and frustrating trying to explain things.

His hand plays with the phone in his pocket, the object cold and rejecting but he pulls it out all the same. He only has a few contacts in his list; Phil, Maddie, his manager, and lastly his mum. He can’t think of anyone else to call. Despite all he’s been through and her kicking him out, she’s still his mother. There was a time when she would coddle him like no tomorrow and he’d found it annoying, now he wants nothing more than for his mum to hold him like that again. Swallowing what he can of his fear, he hits dial.

~

The cup of tea quickly warms his hands up after being out in the cold so long, but it doesn’t stop his sniffling or the oncoming hazy feeling in his head. He’ll ignore it for now, more worried about the woman sitting across from him with her own cup of tea and a tired look on her face. He hadn’t wanted to wake her up at an ungodly hour of the night, but he needed to see her. It’s been, what, a half a year now? More? The only difference he can see in her is the drastic change in hair color; and the unmistakable bump under her robe. More time has passed than he thought for her baby bump to be that big when for as much as he knew she wasn’t pregnant when he left.

“So,” she sighs, eyes turned down into her cup, “you said you wanted to talk?”

“Yeah, I-“ Her voice is just as he remembers as well, all be it a bit groggy. “I’m sorry I woke you up like this.”

“Forget it.” She shakes her head, “Just tell me what you want.”

Dan’s thumb plays with the chipping design on his mug, not sure exactly what to say. He really just needed to see her. It’s been a long time since he’s been all alone, and he can’t go talk to Maddie since she’s probably still with Phil; so here he is. “I just needed to talk to you. It’s been a while.” He bites his lip, “How have you been?”

She shrugs, “Ok, I guess. Working from home now, started a new craft project; fun fun.”

Dan gives her a little smile. “You got into your scrapbooking again?”

“No, cross-stitching. Scrapbooking has… lost it’s appeal.” She clears her throat and her eyes wander to the coffee table, where she usually stashes her books.

“Well, I’m glad to hear you’ve been doing something you enjoy again.” Dan says after a sip of tea, “He usually- I mean, you always said you didn’t have time for it before.”

“Yes, well,” She stares down at her tea again, “Richard isn’t around anymore.”

Dan waits a moment for her to explain, his heart quickening. “W-what do you mean?”

Her lips press tight and a hand goes to her stomach, resting atop the lump there. “I found out he was cheating on me not soon after I became pregnant. When I confronted him about it he-“ she pauses to let out a strained breath, “he said he ‘didn’t need this in his life’ and that I should have left things the way they were; like it was my fault he cheated. I’ll be getting money from him for the baby, no doubt, but I don’t need some cheater around my baby. The divorce papers should be in the mail to me soon.”

“I’m…” If Dan held onto his cup any tighter he’d surely crush it. “I’m sorry, mum, if I’d have known-“ Technically, he had known. The person that creep had been cheating on his mum with was someone he didn’t know now, but before that, he’d been cheating on her with her own son. He wants to shout it at her right now; he wants to tell her everything that man did to him and that he saw it coming that she’s leave him. He sighs, staring down at his mum’s pregnant belly. He could tell her everything, but that kind of knowledge isn’t something she needs right now. “Have you been doing ok on your own?”

“My friend Stella has been helping out a lot and says she’ll help babysit when I need once the baby comes.” She says, a little more composed now.

“That’s good.” Dan nods, “I should have been helping you from the start once you found out you were pregnant. I should have been here.”

“But you weren’t, Daniel; you didn’t know because I didn’t tell you.” She straightens up in her seat, meeting his eyes for the first time tonight and they’re filled with a sadness that Dan can’t quite explain. “I kicked you out when you had that fight with your stepdad and I’ve regretted it for a long time now.”

“What do you- You regret it?” Dan would have never guessed his mum felt this way. He thought this whole conversation with her would have gone horribly wrong by now and he’d be kicked out all over again.

“You were right; I had been blinded. You had been acting out so much, partying and getting those damn tattoos.” She waves her had towards him, “Which I can see you’ve picked up a few more… I just kept scolding you and pointing out all the wrong things you were doing instead of being an actual parent. You must have been going through so much at school or with your friends at the time to be doing all those things and not once did I stop you to simply talk to you about it. I was wrapped up in my own world and your antics were just… nuisances…” 

Dan doesn’t know what to say. All the times he imagined seeing his mum again they were all disasters; not once did he think she’d admit to fault like this. “Mum…”

“I feel like such a terrible parent for feeling like I did. I’d just been so unhappy with the way my life was going and for the first in a long time something good was happening to me. I didn’t want anything to spoil it; but when you’re a parent you have to sometimes put your own happiness aside to support your child. I knew that, yet I did the complete opposite. I’m so sorry.”

“Don’t, mum-“ His voice cracks and he realizes he’s crying, quickly wiping away the tears with the back of his hand.

His mum lets out an ‘Oh, honey’ before standing up and coming over to him, Dan standing up to meet her in a tight embrace. It feels foreign and familiar all at once, not having hugged her like this even years before he’d left. When she pulls away she holds his face in her hands, looking up at him with now glistening eyes. “I hope you can one day forgive me for what I did.”

Dan nods. “I didn’t steal from you back then,” is all he can say, “I’d never do that.”

“I know, sweety. You’re a good boy.” She sniffs, then takes a step back, composing herself. “Did you, maybe, want to spend the night? Your room is still up stairs.”

“That’d be great.” He tells her. They finish their cups of tea, Dan asking her how her work has been and anything else that’s changed since he’s been gone. They both begin to yawn and when Dan looks down at his phone it says that it’s one in the morning. There’s also a text from Phil.

They say their good nights and Dan treks up to his old room, opening the door to find nothing really has changed. There aren’t any clothes in the closet and there’s a big empty space where his keyboard and CD stacks had been, but everything else is untouched. He climbs under the cold blankets and looks at the bright screen on his phone, a red symbol looming over the text app. He cringes before pressing it.

-Dan, please text me when you get this. It’s getting late. Where are you? Please, don’t end up at a bar tonight, I’ll come get you instead. Please text me back.

Dan bites his lip, ashamed that Phil’s first worry is that Dan would immediately end up at a bar at night like he used to. Was Phil at home right now, wondering if Dan was at some other guys place?

-Don’t worry, I’m at my mum’s tonight. I’m safe. He’s not here. I’ll talk more tomorrow.

~

Dan rolls over, arm searching the covers for a body next to him but finding nothing. Had Phil already gotten up? Dan opens his eyes and is met with a black duvet instead of his usual blue and green one and he springs up. His mind first flicks to ‘Oh god, what did I do last night? Am I at a stranger’s house again?’ but once he focuses he recognizes the room and his aching chest begins to subside. The events of the night before come back to him and he scratches his head, it hurting slightly and his nose is stuffed on one side.

His mum is busy making a big batch of pancakes and bacon, the smell filling his nose as he sits down at the table. “Mornin’.”

“Good morning.” She glances back at him, “I hope you’re hungry.”

“Always.” He says, and a moment later he’s diving into his syrupy plate.

Once well into the meal his mum sets down her cup of decaf, looking up at him. “So, I didn’t hear much about you last night. Where have you been staying?”

“Well,” he begins after he finishes a big bite of bacon, “At first I was staying over at a few friend’s places,” Then random older men’s houses that he picked up at bars, “But now I’m kind of staying at one friend’s house.” If you can call Phil a ‘friend’.

“A different friend from the ones before?” She asks, a little confused.

“Yeah, well…” He pushes his plate away, not wanting to eat anymore.

“Is there a problem with your friend? Are you ok staying there?” Her motherly concern is in her voice and Dan breaks into a small smile for a second.

“Yeah, it’s just… complicated.” He sinks down in his chair a bit, “We had a small fight and- No, I got upset and ran off. That’s why I was out late last night.”

“Well, if your friend did something to upset you then you don’t need them.” She points her fork sternly.

“No, Phil’s fine, it’s my own fault.” Dan waves his hands, “I just… Like I said it’s complicated.”

“Start from the beginning then.”

Dan sits back up, resting his elbows on the table and lowering his head to his hands. He takes a deep breath before telling his mother everything; how he met Phil and how they quickly became close. He was able to gush about how Phil makes him feel and all the little things he loves about him. He ends with what happened last night, leaving out the part in the grocery store. “I just- I know how I feel about him. I know I could have said it back to him and meant it but instead I got scared and ran off.”

His mum gives a weary sigh, reaching across the table and taking his hand. “You’ve always been an independent person. You would be by yourself and do things for yourself all the time. And you never let yourself get too attached to anyone; I don’t think I saw any of your friends more than once.”

The ‘friends’ he brought over from time to time were more study buddies or someone to play co-op with, nothing more. The kids at his school and him had nothing in common and it carried on to everyone outside of school. The friends he used to have were either lingering ones from high school or co-workers, all just people to get drunk with or his one friend that did some tattoos for him. All people who had a purpose, a use for him.

“Phil’s different. I want to make him as happy as he makes me, but I’m not sure if I can do that. He was just trying to show that he cared and I pushed him away. Mum, I hurt him so bad, I don’t want to do that again.” He still wasn’t even sure what he’d call him and Phil; they were obviously more than friends, but they never said anything about ‘boyfriends’. They lived together, hung out, and fucked around. That’s all they ever did. It was easiest to just keep on going without a label; but Phil had to throw his ‘I love you’ at Dan and disturb their peaceful arrangement. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to stay living with him if that’s what he wants.”

“You said you love him, too.” She smiles, “If you really think you do, you should try working things out with him. If he meant what he said, he’ll be happy to figure things out.”

Dan simply nods, hoping she’s right.

“Oh,” her eyes widen for a moment, “I forgot, I got a call from the police station saying something about your car? I wasn’t sure what they were talking about but they wouldn’t give me any more information, just said they couldn’t get a hold of you.”

“My car?” Had they finally found his stolen car after all this time? He supposes they called his mum second since she’s the one that co-signed on the car when he’d bought it. Or maybe it’s just because he’s technically still listed as living with her. “Could you maybe take me there in a little while to go pick it up?”

“Of course.” After helping himself to the shower and washing the rain off of him from last night he feels a little better, the steam clearing his nose but making him feel a bit feverish. He brushes it aside and gets ready to leave, convincing his mum to at least have him drive her there so she doesn’t have to.

They get to the station and it takes a while to be able to talk to someone about his car. He has to fill out a bunch of boring forms and prove that he’s really the owner like he says he is before they’ll even let him see the damn thing.

Once they confirm that everything checks out he thanks his mum for all the help and promises to call more often before she takes off and he follows an officer to the car park behind the station. Near the back is his precious car; he has to stop himself from hugging it like a weirdo. They tell him it was found on the side of a road and that they’re not sure what all was stolen from it. They read off a list of all what was in it and as he figured his CDs and keyboard aren’t on it. His clothes and a few other random items are in their lock up, though, so at least not everything is gone.

After a little bit more paper work and getting help to put all of his belongings back into his car he’s soon back behind the wheel. The trunk is a little lighter and the howling through the terribly patched up window is annoying, but he still has it back. He fills up the tank with what few bills are in his wallet then pulls up in front of a Starbucks, using the last of his cash to buy a coffee then returning to his car. He sips it as he figures out his radio stations again, then sits back in his seat, staring at the creamy ceiling and debating what to do while The Smiths thump through the speakers.

He knows what he should do, what he wants to do, but he doesn’t know if he can. He sets his coffee down in the cup holder as his thumbs hover over the keypad before typing.

-Meet me at Pet Semetery


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Punk!Dan and Punk/TattooArtist!Phil both struggle to find themselves after past events that have shaken their trust in other people and in themselves.

“It’ll be ok.” Maddie tells Phil for the hundredth time since he got Dan’s text this morning. His leg won’t stop bouncing on the rung of the bar stool and this is already his third drink but he barely feels it over his nerves.

“The bar’s been open for a half an hour now.” He reminds her, “Why hasn’t he shown up yet?”

“Give him time; you’re lucky he texted you.” Maddie walks off to the other end of the counter, leaving Phil to rest his head in his hand, absentmindedly stirring around the ice in his glass.

He’ll never be able to describe just how worried he was over Dan last night. A dozen scenarios danced around in his mind of something happening to Dan or Dan doing something stupid. He barely slept and it shows under his eyes. When Dan finally texted him at one in the morning, making him groan at his ringtone since he’d just started to nod off, he immediately sat up; needing to read the text a few times before it registered.

What did Dan mean he was at his mum’s? It was only a slightly better option than what Phil had been thinking Dan would do, but if his stepdad was there… Phil thought for a moment that he’d almost prefer Dan to end up at another guy’s place for the night if it’d spare him seeing his stepdad again. The fear he saw in Dan’s eyes back in the store was like nothing he’d ever seen before. He can’t imagine what Dan must feel just thinking about that man; and now to have run into him?

Dan had assured him that he was safe, but it still didn’t make Phil feel any better. He maybe got three hours of sleep total before he got up and tried to start his day. Maddie had tried to spend the night on Phil’s sofa so he wouldn’t be completely alone, but he’d told her to go home. He loves Maddie to bits, but it wasn’t the company he wanted nor needed.

He ended up spending the day trying to drown out his thoughts in video games, but it was no good. He knew the only way for him to think all of this through was to ride. He got on his bike and headed out, to where he didn’t know. He went faster than he’d gone in years, needing the intense wind pushing against him and the howling in his ears.

Before he knew it, he was at the gates of the cemetery, effortlessly leaning around the winding road before parking his bike on its stand and pulling off his helmet. He walked the little ways to Robin’s headstone and kneeled in his usual spot beside it, fingers grazing over the cold marble. “Hey, Robin.” He started, voice slightly cracking. “Sorry, no flowers this time. I actually rode my bike here.” He looked back at it a moment, realizing this is the first time the bike, himself, and Robin have been together again. “I hope it doesn’t bother you or anything; I didn’t even think…”

He took a deep breath, trying to gather his thoughts. “I just thought I’d- I really need your advice right now.” He plopped down onto the grass, not caring that his jeans would get dirty. “Dan and I… we’ve been together for a while now…” He bit his lip, “You probably don’t want to hear about this, but it’s true. After you left, I thought I’d never love again and for the longest time not only did I believe that; I enforced it. I didn’t let myself get close to anyone because I didn’t want to love someone like you again and then have them leave me. I couldn’t bear the thought.”

Phil sniffed, wiping away a tear on his sleeve. He was trying so hard to keep calm as always, but it was no use. “I told him I love him, Robin. I- I thought I’d never say those words again. Hell, I thought I’d never feel that way again but in that moment… No, I’d been thinking it for a while now.”

His thumb brushed over the chiseled ‘R’, wishing Robin was really there. Though if she was he’d have never met Dan in the first place. His life has changed so much in the past few months without him realizing and now it’s hit him like a ton of bricks. He got so used to waking up in a bed that felt too big and a house too empty; then Dan came along and filled the void. His presence alone made Phil feel more alive again, making each new day seem worth having.

“I’m scared,” Phil admitted, “I can’t imagine my life without him now, but every new day I fall in love with him more and I’m afraid there will come a point where I’ll lose him like I lost you and it will hurt so much. If I have to go through that again… I don’t think I’ll make it next time.”

Phil covered his mouth, unable to hold back the crying making his shoulders shake and eyes sting. “But I want to try. God, I want to keep trying.”

“Phil.”

His head whips up, turning to the figure taking a seat beside him. He looks a lot better than Phil feels, wearing clothes he hasn’t seen before and a much more confident look than the last time they were together. “Dan… How are you?”

“Better.” Dan tells him, leaning on the bar and looking him up and down. He lets out a soft sigh, “You, however, don’t look so good.”

“Yeah, sorry.” Phil mumbles, pushing his fingers through his hair.

“I’m just teasing,” Dan laughs a little. He missed poking fun at Phil and messing with him in just the little time they were apart. “you always look good.”

Phil forces a small smirk. “So, you’re putting on the charm again?” He nudges Dan with his elbow before finishing his drink, pushing it away.

“Well, I do need someone to take me home tonight.” Dan hints shyly.

Phil nods, but his smile fades slightly. “Dan, we need to figure out what we’re doing first.” He needs to know exactly what Dan wants out of this- whatever this is. Dan knows how Phil feels about him now, and he ran away from him. He doesn’t want that to happen again.

“I know what I’m doing.” Dan slides off his stool and takes Phil’s arm. “I’m going home with you.”

“But-“

“Do you not want me to?” Dan tilts his head.

Phil bites his lip before throwing his money onto the bar and waving to Maddie. They head outside and Phil is surprised to see Dan’s car waiting just a few spots down from his own. Dan tells him he’ll follow him home and they set off, pulling into the driveway just as dusk can be seen on the horizon.

Phil unlocks the door and as soon as he closes it Dan has him by the shirt, kissing him hungrily. He can’t help but moan into it, grabbing Dan’s face and kissing back for a few moments. He missed this taste and the feeling of these lips on his that fit so perfectly he swears they were made for him. He nibbles at them once before making himself pull back, resting his forehead against Dan’s. “Wait, Dan, we need to talk. I need to know what you want out of this. Out of us.”

Dan glances to his eyes, breathing already a bit heavy. “Everything.” He almost whispers, “I want everything.” He attaches their lips together again, silencing any more words from Phil. He doesn’t know how to express just how he feels about Phil through words; he’d rather just show him.

“Fuck-“ Phil grabs Dan at the hips, pressing him against the door, quickly moving his hands up Dan’s shirt. Dan’s moan hitches as Phil’s hands glide everywhere, memorizing every curve and tracing every tattoo, stopping only to pull his shirt off the rest of the way.

Dan can’t remember the last time he needed something so purely and wholly. It’s not his tattoos anymore that make him feel himself again or that mark him, but Phil’s touch. The love bites and scratches that appear on his skin are what calm his mind and let him know that his body is his own, but he chooses to share it with Phil. He wants to be marked for all to see, so people know that he’s Phil’s; and likewise Phil is his.

They clumsily make their way to the bedroom, not wanting to let go of each other for a second. Only a few moments later they’re both stripped, tugging hair and fingers gliding down spines. Dan clings to Phil like he needs him for air. He makes every touch gentle yet possessive as Dan pines for more, whimpering in his ear.

Phil is quick with the prep work, Dan begging him to hurry. As Phil enters him Dan lets out a guttural moan, craving more and more until Phil’s hips are flush with his ass and his legs wrapped tightly around him. Phil pauses to pepper kisses over Dan’s jaw and neck, needing more of the beautiful moans and cries that drive him crazy. They’re one of the first things Phil loved about Dan; the way his name sounded strained in Dan’s voice whenever they’d have sex and the flush of his cheeks and chest when Dan got close to unraveling.

They start slow, needing each other’s warm embrace more than anything, but as Dan’s whimpers grow Phil speeds up. His grip tightens on Dan’s hip and is soon pounding into Dan, his other hand coming between them and pumping Dan in rhythm.

Dan fists the sheets tightly, head soaring and heat building below. This is what he’s needed since that first night with his stepdad. He’s needed hands that caressed, not bruised; embraced him firmly but gently, not pinned him against his will. He’s needed it yet didn’t know until he met this wonderful man by luck. God, he was such a brat then, but still Phil saw through that and gave him a chance. He wants to help Phil as much as Phil has helped him, made him grow up and somewhat face his fears. He wants to give him everything.

Dan feels a tear trickle down his face and Phil notices, slowing his pace and looking down at him. “Are you ok?”

Dan can only nod, reaching up so Phil leans down to hug him once again. Dan grabs his face, kissing him hard before taking a deep breath. “Phil, I-“ The words get caught, but he shakes his head, determined. “I love you.”

Phil’s lips part, a smile playing at the corner of his mouth. His thumb wipes away the stray tear before kissing Dan fully, then breaking away again. “I love you, too, Dan.”

Dan almost begins to cry again but Phil starts going faster, distracting him for the moment and bringing him closer to the edge. Phil drives deep, Dan arching his back in pleasure, his fingers digging into Phil’s arms. Phil continues to hit the spot, a mantra of ‘I love you’ tumbling from Dan’s mouth. Now that the lock on his heart has broken he can’t say the words and mean them enough.

Dan climaxes in a jumble of swears and incoherent noises, spilling between them and Phil soon following. They catch their breath a moment before they silently clean themselves up, then climb back into bed. They simply hold each other for the longest time, relishing the after sex feel and each other’s warmth. Dan is the one to first speak up, pulling back and looking up at Phil. “I meant what I said.” His hand goes to Phil’s chest, resting over his heart; still beating a little fast. “I love you, Phil. It still feels odd to say, but it’s right in my heart and- I’m not scared of that anymore.”

“I know,” Phil presses a kiss to Dan’s forehead, “You’ve never said anything to me that you didn’t mean. That honesty is one of the things I love about you.”

Dan breaks their gaze. “It’ll still take a little while to get used to hearing that, too.”

“I love you.” Phil smiles, watching as Dan’s face turns the slightest shade of red.

“Shut up.” He pushes at Phil’s chest, but Phil quickly wraps his arm around Dan, repeating the sentence again and again, kissing him all over in between and making him giggle. “S-stop, idiot!” He protests Phil’s teasing. “Your ‘I wuv you’s make it sound like you’re talking to a baby.”

“Great, make me feel like a pedophile, why don’t you?” Phil jokes, but stops his ticklish torture on Dan and rolls onto his back. “So, what now?”

The question has a much heavier feeling than when Phil usually asks that after sex. It’s not just about grabbing a snack or watching a movie. “We’ll, us idiots haven’t been doing too bad so far with things; besides a few bumps in the road.” They both still have a lot to work on with one another and with themselves. “I say we just see where that road takes us.”

“As long as I get to drive.” Phil smirks, imitating revving up his motorcycle with his hand.

“Of course.”

~

The only light on in the shop is the lamp over Phil’s work station, the soft glow illuminating the small space and making the tools glimmer. It’s just after usual shop hours, so everyone else has gone home and left Phil to close up as usual. He takes a sip of coffee before setting it to the side, looking down at Dan on his bench and double checking the temporary ink on his chest. “You sure?”

“You know I am.” Dan tells him, throwing his shirt he’d been holding at Phil and Phil catches it, setting it on top of his cabinet. He pulls his tray of ink and his tattoo gun over near Dan, sitting down and getting comfortable before starting.

“Let’s hope you’re less of a baby than last time.” Phil teases and Dan smacks his arm. “Hey now, don’t do that once I start or you’ll mess me up.”

Dan settles for flipping him off before Phil brings the gun to his skin, the buzzing loud compared to the empty building. Dan grits his teeth against the vibrating in his chest, it still hurting just as much as last time. “Can’t you be a little lighter than that?”

“If I do it lighter it won’t look as good as the first part.” Phil points out, not looking away from his stenciling. By the time he’s got the outline of the last letter done they both need a break. Phil hands Dan his own coffee and he gingerly sits up to drink it before falling back down with a sigh. Phil leans his arms on the bench next to him, touching Dan’s arm so he looks at him. “I’m glad you finally decided to finish this.”

Dan nods, giving him a half smile. “Me, too. I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to, honestly. I just didn’t… feel it.”

Phil looks over the almost finished writing. “And now you do?”

Dan stares up at the ceiling, eyes glazed in thought. He’s grown so much within a short amount of time. A great part of it is because of Phil, but he can’t say all of it. He pushed himself to be more mature in order to be able to get closer to Phil, and it was by his own volition that he walked away from Phil and faced his mum. “Yeah, I think I do.”

Phil gives his arm a squeeze before continuing with his work, shading in the letters one by one. The time and quietness drags on, the two of them speaking little. There are no words needed, really. They both know what this tattoo means to Dan, though the feeling behind it has changed some since the beginning; evolved.

With a few last touch ups here and there, Phil leans up and lets out a long yawn, pulling off his gloves. “I think the full quote suits you now.”

Dan smiles, his fingers touching his chest near the fresh tattoo.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves.


End file.
